Death Does Not Mean Defeat

I'm reading this fabulous book right now (for the second time) that I am LOVING. It's by Lysa TerKeurst, called What Happens When Women Walk in Faith. It's one that's really great to do in a group setting because every chapter ends with topics for discussion or questions. I've made notes in my book {this is why I'm reading a second time...the first time I kind of skipped the "hard" work of the life application} along the way. I've written out the prayers that she instructs me to write. I've really dug in this time. I've really tried to apply this time, instead of just read. And, wouldn't ya know it, I'm getting so much more out of it this time around.

At the end of my reading today, in the chapter "Death Doesn't Mean Defeat", one of the things to do is share a time when I can look back and definitely see God at work, but at the time wondered if He had forgotten me. It says to share it with my group I'm doing the book with or with friends. Well, FRIENDS, because I've committed to doing the hard work this time, I'm sharing my story with you.

In the winter of 2002 I found myself in a place I never thought I would be. I was raised in a Christian home, with Christian teaching, at church every time the doors were open and a generally good kid. But in 2002, at the age of 23, everything I thought I knew about God and about myself was completely turned on its ear.

For two years I had been dating this guy. We were serious, but were struggling to make a long distance relationship work, yet still talked marriage and had plans for the future. We planned trips around holidays to spend time together. And a couple of months after one of those holiday trips, in January of 2002, I found out I was pregnant. Initially, my concerns were of what people would think of me, how people would react, how disappointed my family might be. But those concerns quickly faded to the background when this person I had made lifelong plans with decided being a father didn't fit in his life.

Now, not only was I unmarried and pregnant, I was single. I was scared. I was fully uncertain as to what my future held. And I was alone. I had yet to share my secret with anyone. So now I was going from, "Hey, I know this isn't what you expected, but we're having a baby" to "Hey, so I'm pregnant and single. He's not in the picture anymore". And that made the weight of it so much heavier. I wasn't just pregnant. I was single.

And I didn't see God anywhere.

I begged for peace and freedom from fear. I begged for God to just consume me and cover me. But for a while felt nothing. I finally had to get out from under the weight of my secret and told one of my dearest friends. He listened without judgement and promised to pray me through it. For the first time, the weight began to lift. Shortly after that, I told my parents, then my grandparents. All who reacted with more grace than I could have ever imagined possible. And the weight lifted a little more.

Slowly but surely I shared my news with friends and family. And the more I shared, the more excited I became about this baby growing inside of me. And the more I prayed, the more I pressed in, the more committed everything in my life to raising the child the way God wanted me to, the more I began to sense Him. In the midst of the absolute toughest road I had walked in my life, I found God.

I found Him in the most real, most personal way. I had seen God my entire life. And I knew Him. But not in a deep, personal, profound way. And at the end of that journey, God gave me the gift that literally saved my future...my precious son.

There were times early on that I literally felt as if God had forgotten me. That He had moved on and left me to handle this alone. There were times that I felt that the "death" of the me before my son was my end, how I would be defined for the rest of my life. But I wasn't defeated.

Fast forward 11 years and I still look back and see ways that God was so ever present that I hadn't realized before. Death in my journey then, didn't mean defeat. It actually meant the complete opposite. It meant new life.

If you're in a place in your journey where you feel there's death, it doesn't mean defeat. IT DOESN'T MEAN DEFEAT. God is ever present. Death does not mean defeat.

Devastation and Miracles

This has been a tragic 24+ hours in Oklahoma. Storm with rain, hail and deadly tornadoes. I'm a total news junkie when it comes to stuff like this. Part of it comes from the simple disbelief of what these storms can do. Part because I know that in the heartbreak, there will be complete and total evidence of God.

Today I was hit completely differently. Today there were reports of a tornado that directly hit a school. A school with children inside. The moment I heard that report, my heart began to ache. My mind immediately went to scared children who want nothing more than to see their parents. My heart immediately went to the moms and dads who sat helpless knowing a tornado was touching down and they weren't with their children. Then, as news breaks and word spreads, to know that your child's school was directly hit. The fear, the uncertainty, the complete and total agony of being separated from your child and not knowing what you'll find when you get to the school.

My heart broke to the point that I began to cry. Cry for the mom who is just beginning the longest minutes, hours of her life as she tries to make her way to her child's school. Cry for the dad who does all he can to protect his family, yet stands fully helpless against this force of nature. Cry for helpless children who just want to be held by mom and dad.

And then the news begins to come that, from that flattened school building, children and school staff are walking out. WALKING out. My tears went from tears of agony to tears of overwhelming gratitude that God provided this miracle in the midst of the devastation. And then more and more stories of miraculous protection. The lady interviewed that said as the tornado tore her house to pieces, she held on to her daughter by her hair to keep her from being pulled away. The people whose homes were destroyed...in all but the place where they huddled for safety. Story upon story of God's protection.

I know not everyone's story has a happy ending. I know there is loss of life. And unmeasurable loss of property, homes, possessions. But I also know there are countless miracles that we will hear of in coming days. Some we may never hear of. But they are there none the less.

Has a tornado ripped through your life lately? Have the remnants of devastation left you searching for any sign of hope? Look closely. It's there. Right now, your miracle may be that you just survived. As the storm clouds clear, look closer. There is evidence of His hand at work everywhere around you. Just past the devastation around you are miracles.

Looking for a way to help the people of Oklahoma? Visit www.hopemob.org to get assistance directly to those impacted by this disaster. Every penny you give goes directly to help. No administrative fees taken...just help and HOPE to those who need it most!

Happy Mother's Day {to my kids}

I'm not a "Hallmark holiday" kind of girl. You know the holidays I mean...the overly commercialized, gift-of-obligation type days. Days like Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to them...just to the commercialization that comes with them. And the notion that you should only acknowledge those people, things, occasions once a year.

That being said, here's my Mother's Day wish list.

To my children:

As you grow, don't spend money on gifts for me for Mother's Day. Just live your life well.

Chase hard after God. Pursue Him above all else. Dive into your Bible...even the parts that are crazy boring (like the chapters and chapters of genealogy in the Old Testament.) There are lessons for you in all of it.

Be kind. To everyone. I promise you that even the most unkind person has a story that you don't know. You don't have to be their best friend, but be kind. Always. Be kind to those who are different. Be kind to those with differing view points. For some, your kindness may be the only evidence of Jesus they ever see. It counts. Be kind.

Practice gratitude. Be intentional with gratitude. You aren't entitled to anything. The blessings you have could be gone as quickly as they came to you. You'll take them for granted...the reality is, we all do. But always show gratitude.

Own your mistakes. You're going to make them. We all do. I do. More often than I'd like to admit or that you probably realize. But when you do, own it. Don't blame others. Don't lie about it. Just own it. Then learn from it.

Forgive with grace. And let it go. People will hurt you, betray you. And the law won't let me handle it the way I'd like to, so you have two choices. Hold on to the offense. Or forgive. The right choice is ALWAYS to forgive. Release yourself from the hurt. When it's hard to forgive (and it will be) remember what Jesus did to give you forgiveness. You can do it. You have to do it. Then let it go. Don't ever let bitterness or resentment take hold in your heart. Ever.

Pursue your passion. God will place something in your heart that just makes you feel alive, that gives you purpose. When you figure out what that is, pursue it with everything in you. Don't chase someone else's dreams or passions or plans for you. Follow God's path for you. Even if it seems crazy. Even if everyone around you thinks you're crazy. Pursue what God leads you to. You will be happy, fulfilled and totally blessed.

Never ever compromise your beliefs or your standards. Because you love Jesus, you're life will look different than a lot of your friend's. That's ok. Anyone who pressures you to compromise isn't a friend. And isn't worth your time. Stand firm. You will NEVER stand alone. Dad & I will stand with you. ALWAYS.

Be unapologetically YOU. God made you exactly the way you are. He didn't make you to be a duplicate of anyone else. Embrace your quirks. Embrace the things that make you different. Be fully confident in who God created you to be.

Guard your heart. Choose wisely those you allow to be close to your heart. Not every friend will be worthy of access to your heart. When you begin dating (although I'm in complete denial that this will actually ever happen), be picky. Have high standards. Don't give your heart freely. It's more fragile than you think. Never never never give your heart to someone that doesn't put God first. If God's not first, that person will never give you the priority that you deserve. Be friends first. If you're not treated well as a friend, you'll never be treated well as a boyfriend or girlfriend.

To my son. Treat girls with respect. Avoid girls always involved in drama. If she doesn't seek to embody all that is Proverbs 31, don't trust her with your heart. When you do finally have a girlfriend (seriously, in total denial that this will ever happen), treat her heart as the fragile, precious treasure it is. Be a gentleman. Open her door. Use your manners. Tell her she's pretty...not hot, not sexy...pretty.

To my daughter. Hold tightly to your values, your standards. If a boy isn't following hard after God, he's not good enough for you. Be slow to give your heart. Not every boy that shows interest in you can be trusted with your heart. It's a precious, fragile thing and should be treated as such. Never never never doubt your self worth. Never compare your beauty to what the world calls beautiful. You are beautiful.

You will have dark, difficult roads to face. There will be times in life that just plain suck. But even in those times hold fast to two unwavering truths: 1. God is always there and always will be. 2. Dad & I will always be here. Cling to God and lean on those that love you most. You'll get through it. I promise.

Know how you drive each other crazy? Remember that even though sometimes you each wish you could trade the other in for a new furry pet, your greatest advocate and defender in this life is your sibling. You won't always like each other. And that's ok. But remember, your brother, your sister will be the first to come to your defense. And will probably be the first call you make when you're all grown up and have news to share. You've been given a gift in having each other.

Laugh often. Be silly. Dance like you're Justin Timberlake, even if you really look like Elaine from Seinfeld. Have fun. Make fun happen. Enjoy this life God has blessed you with.

See, if you do these things, you will live a happy, fulfilled, blessed life. And that, kids, is the best gift you could ever give your mom. So live these things every day. And every once in a while buy your mom a cup of coffee.

Who are they mad at?

Earlier today, as the news coverage of the bombing at the Boston Marathon began to unfold, my 5 year old had lots of questions. Some were the same that all of us asked following another senseless act of violence. Some were very "5 years old". But one stood out. One really made me think.

"Mommy, who are they mad at?"

At first I thought maybe she was referring to someone on TV. But when I asked who she meant, she said, "The people that blowed up the bombs. Who are they mad at?"

I told her they were just mad people. People who needed Jesus. That answer seemed to satisfy her. But it really didn't satisfy me. These evil people had no one person in mind, just destruction and chaos. Their anger (and whatever else fuels them) took lives, injured hundreds and probably changed thousands of lives. And caused many of us to re-think how safe the world around us really is...or isn't.

As I sat and thought about this misdirected anger and the damage the explosions caused, God began to speak to me. He asked me how many times my misdirected anger (or frustration or impatience or...) has wreaked havoc on those around me. How many times have I allowed the explosion of mouth to bring emotional casualties?

In so many ways these two things are completely different. But the visual of what we've seen today really is what it looks like emotionally when we come unglued and allow our mouth to explode with harmful words.

I've never considered myself an angry person. But truthfully, I've probably just called it frustration, exhaustion, impatience...maybe even conviction. But whatever you or I call it, the results of it are the same. A verbal explosion that rips and tears emotionally, often at those we love the most. A path of destruction that can take days, months, even years to "clean up".

Tonight my prayer is first for the people who have experienced something too horrendous for words. My second prayer is that I will be more mindful of my words, my reactions, my moods. That my actions and words wouldn't leave people asking "who is she mad at?" but saying "she speaks in love".

Proof

Proof. It's something that we seek throughout our lives, sometimes intentionally, sometimes totally unaware. And it's something that the world looks for in us. In those of us who call ourselves Christians. Proof. Proof of His love.

There's a song (shocker!) that I absolutely love by For King and Country, "Proof of Your Love". There's one particular release of it that I could keep on continuous loop all day. It's a release with a spoken part about I Corinthians 13 (at about the 2:30 mark in the video). Maybe it's the Aussie accent, maybe it's the interpretation...but it gets me every time. And reminds me that without love to back all that I say, all that I do, all that I accomplish, all that I learn, I am bankrupt.

Bankrupt.

It would be like Jesus performing all of the miracles, teaching all of the great sermons, socializing with outcasts. Then skipping the cross. Skipping the part that was the proof of His love, His identity. It would all have rung hollow without the promise of eternity being fulfilled...by His LOVE.

When He allowed Himself to be beaten and hung on a cross to die, like a common criminal, He allowed his LOVE for mankind to become fully realized. He set the greatest example of all for us to follow.

So why do we, as Christians, so often forget the love aspect of all that Jesus did. We see things that are contrary to the Bible's teachings and take action. In ways that are contrary to Jesus' teachings. Then we wonder why the world looks as us and wants no part of our Christianity.

Yes, we live in a sin-filled world. A world that will always run contrary to God's word. A world that will always look to disprove its teachings. But why do we provide the ammo they need by the way we respond? Why do we show such a poor representation of Jesus?

As this Easter season is upon us, reflect on His love. Reflect on his teachings. Reflect on his methods. No, He didn't win everyone over. He was still nailed to a cross. But in His unending, unfailing love His prayer even on the cross was for forgiveness, "Father, forgive them. They know not what they do."

What have any of us as Christians, especially in America, endured for the cause of Christ greater than what He himself endured? There's nothing. Nothing greater than what He endured. If Jesus, with all He endured, could act in love while being tortured on the cross, there's no circumstance in our life where we can't do the same.

As this Easter season is upon us, let our LIVES be the PROOF of his love. We live in a hurting and broken world. A world that so desperately needs his love. And world that's looking to us to be the proof. Let my life be the proof, the proof of your love.

Butterflies and Such

Spring is a season I really have to kind of make myself get into. I don't really like the warming temperatures, the pollen, the exposure of my extremely white legs because it's too hot to wear jeans. I much prefer weather that seldom if ever creeps out of the 60's that allows me to live in boots and sweaters. But here I am, in the beautiful Texas Hill Country, welcoming in Spring...a little more enthusiastically this year.

One day last week I took the puppy outside. As I wandered the yard with her waiting for her to do her business, I noticed our trees were really starting to bloom. Lots of new color. Signs of life. Then I saw it. We have this bush/tree thing, the kids call it a peanut tree. Huge lavender blooms were all over it. One stood out. This one bloom had an amazing butterfly on it.



I stood there a stared for a minute. It actually took me a minute to remember that I had my phone in my pocket. As soon as I did, I grabbed it to take a picture. But even after the picture, I stood a watched the butterfly. In the midst of all of the color, all of the blooms, here was this new life. This beautiful, vibrant life. This sign, that after the cold, harsh winter (ok, maybe not so cold OR harsh in Texas) that new life comes.

That beautiful yellow butterfly was such a beautiful reminder to me of God's faithfulness after a dark, cold season. After the winter of life has stripped the color, the vibrancy, the life from everything around you, there is a spring. And in that spring there is new life. There is growth. There are blooms. There is vibrant color. There is a butterfly that has survived the cold of winter, growing and fighting to emerge from its cocoon...full of everything that reminds us that Spring brings life.

Dry Bones

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you've probably figured out that music is one of the ways that God most often speaks to me. And this time He used one of my very favorite worship songs right now, The Great I AM. Seriously, if you don't know this song, listen. Now. No really, you can come back and finish reading this after you catch the song.

I love this song. Every time I hear it, I can hardly stand still. It's one of the best out there right now. But for as many times as I've heard this song, for as many times as we've worshipped to it at church, today it was like I heard part of it for the first time.

I want to see dry bones living again, singing as one.

I don't know who wrote the song or what the meaning of that line is to them, but today God spoke so clearly to me. Just before this line, the song talks of loving like Jesus...loving the world and hating the dark. Today, as I sang that song, my heart began to break for those who have known the love of Christ, who have walked with Him, yet, for whatever reasons, have now turned away. Those "dry bones" that so desperately need to live again. My heart broke for those in my life who once were close, but now are far from Christ.

Any of us who have walked this journey with Jesus for any amount of time know that there are seasons of drought, seasons of famine. But, like the Israelites wandering in the wilderness, God always sustains us. We may be in a dry season, but we still have His life flowing through us. But these "dry bones" to me are so much more heartbreaking than a dry spiritual season.

Dry bones have no hope. Dry bones have no promise. Dry bones have no life. And I really think it's a completely different lifelessness than never having known Christ at all. These dry bones have once been filled with the hope, the promise, the life of Jesus and now have nothing. This has lingered with me all day. And all day I've been burdened for those people that are the "dry bones" in my life...those who need life breathed in again.

My prayer all of today has been to see "dry bones" living again. And singing as one with me.

Who are those in your life that are "dry bones"? My prayer for you is that you will see "dry bones" living again. And standing with you singing as one: "Hallelujah, holy holy. God almighty. The Great I AM. Who is worthy, none beside thee. God almighty. The Great I AM."

It's More About the Where

You've heard it your whole life: "You reap what you sow." What you sow. And it's true, you really do. But in a recent message, that old saying took on a whole new meaning.

You sow kindness, you reap kindness. You sow love, you reap love. You sow hard work, you reap success. You sow time, you reap growth. That all sounds great, right? But where are you sowing?

Have you ever thought about that? It's not justwhat you sow, but where you sow. If I want to be successful in my job, I sow the work, the dedication, the time it takes to be successful. If I want to be a good friend, I sow the time, the effort, the loyalty needed to reap friendship. If I want to be fit and healthy, I sow the work, the dedication, the sacrifice it takes to get there. But those are the easy things, aren't they? Those are the things that most of us already do...every day.

So what about the things that really matter? Is my marriage what it could be? Maybe, if the answer is no, that's where I should be investing more of my sowing. How are my connections with my kids? Would they say I'm really plugged in? That I really listen? That I turn away from the the tv or computer when they want my attention? Maybe, if the answers are no, that's where I should be investing more of my sowing. Where's my relationship with Jesus right now? How often to I crack open my Bible? How often to I pray...that doesn't involve a meal? When was the last time I went to church? If the answers are border on "it's been a while", then for sure that's where I need to invest more of my sowing.

If you're anything like me, you sow where you reap the most affirmation. You sow where you reap the most appreciation. The thing is, if I'm sowing as I should in my Father and what His best is for me, I'll have the affirmation, the confidence, the peace that I need in my life. And when I'm finding those things in Him, it's so much easier to see that if I SOWED more into those things that matter most, I'd also REAP more in those things that matter most.

It's not just what you sow, it's where you sow. Choose wisely.

Can you handle it?

Several days ago a friend posted a status update on Facebook that really hit me. Hard. Square between the eyes.

God will never put more on your plate than you can handle. So I must not overload my plate.

Ok, so here's the thing. I know there's no Scripture in the Bible that says God won't give us more than we can handle. In fact, we're almost guaranteed to have more than we can handle...on our own. That's why we need Him. To get through those things. But He does promise to give us what we need to get through whatever it is in front of us.

So, having said that, how full is your plate? Here's why my friend's status really hit me. We overload our proverbial plates on a daily basis. It seems to be the American way. If you have a free minute, you need to fill it. We fill it with good things, necessary things, God things, me things, guilt things, keep-up-with-the-neighbors things. We fill our plates to the point that one morsel more and it will all come spilling over the sides...with our emotions in tow.

But what happens when an extra helping of something unexpected comes our way? That's why that status really hit me. We fill our plates so much that anything unexpected can push us to the brink, to the breaking point. We throw our hands up and say, "I can't handle it!"

So what if my plate wasn't so full? What if, instead of overcommitting and overextending, I prayerfully considered everything going onto my plate...even the things that seem trivial? And started with the necessary, with God's best. What if I let God direct me in filling my plate and only put on it what He planned? What if I put my agenda aside and allowed him to work his plan? And what if I was ok with my plate not being full? What if I left room on my plate for when the unexpected happens?

Maybe, just maybe, if I didn't spin my wheels filling my plate and let God fill the plate He has for me, I'd feel better able to handle the unexpected. Maybe then I'd feel overwhelmed, exhausted, burnt out less often. Maybe then I'd feel more peace in the everyday. Maybe then I would be ready to handle it.

Trust or Worry

"You must choose to trust Me or to worry." A simple line from a simple devotion...for kids. Why is it that sometimes He has to speak to me in the most childlike ways for me to get it?

As that simple line appeared on my Twitter feed today, it spoke to something deep within me. And it was like a light bulb turned on. Do I trust or do I worry? Yesterday, I would have told you that I do both. I trust God to be who He says He will be. To provide. To lead. To guide and direct. To protect. To make a way. To heal. I pray about them. Then I worry about them...at least some of them. With my words, I say I trust. But in my heart I worry.

Because you can do both...at the same time, right?

Today, it hit me. I can't. I can't do both at the same time. I can't trust Him to move my mountain and worry about how it will move. I can't trust him to provide then worry about where provision will come from. I can't trust Him to come through then act on my own out of impatience.

If I truly trust Him, I cannot worry. If I worry, I don't truly trust Him. It's so hard to get my heart around that. In my head it makes sense. In my heart, where emotion runs deep, worry creeps in. Worry takes hold. And soon trust is just lip service.

Today my focus has been to take worry captive. Today I've made a choice. Today, when worry has started to creep in, I've reminded myself that trusting Him brings much more peace. I've reminded myself where my help comes from. I've reminded myself who holds me. Today I choose trust.

Make Me Aware

I love music. If you've read my blog for long, you know that God oh so often uses music to speak to me. Today was no different.

We did a song in church today by Jesus Culture (one of my favorite groups, by the way) called Holy Spirit. This song, from start to finish, is amazing. But one line, one phrase captured me today. It awakened something in me.

"Let us become more aware of your presence."

That's it. That's the line. So simple, yet for me, so profound. It doesn't say "let us feel your presence" or "draw us into your presence". It says to "become more aware".

Is it hitting you like it did me? Here's what I felt God so sweetly whisper to my spirit through that one line. "My presence is everywhere. My presence is all around you. Not just right now, in these four walls of your church. But in everything. You just have to look for me...be aware."

I was wrecked. How often do I go through my day, through my frustrations, through my ups and downs and miss His presence? How often do I pray to feel God, see God in my day then miss Him? How often do I take for granted the things around me? The things that so clearly reveal His presence...but that I just miss.

Lord, make me more aware of your presence. That presence that is always around me. That presence that surrounds me. That presence that you so long for me to see...in the everyday. In my blessing. In my struggle. The presence that I could have always experienced if I were just more aware.

Open my eyes, Father, to your presence that is ever present. Make me more aware.

My Heart, God's Desire

You know those moments when your heart's desire lines up perfectly with God's plan? That moment when God's desire is to fulfill your heart? I'm there right now.

In March of last year, I began to feel a longing like I never had before to be home. To be a wife, a mom. And not just home more. HOME. I wrestled with this for a short time...not because I didn't want to be home, but because I knew this would mean walking away from a job that I loved. But after a short time, I told my husband what God was stirring in me. After praying together, we both felt that God was calling me "home".

There were still a lot of unknowns. But with still more questions than answers, I went to my boss, my Pastor and told him of my heart's desire to be home. We worked out an agreement to reduce my days in the office to get us started. And I agreed to stick around until my replacement could be found.

Fast forward to September. I have a few blogs that I follow closely and rarely miss a post. One of those is Michael Hyatt's blog. He posted about the benefits of a virtual assistant and gave the name of the firm that he used to hire his virtual assistant. Because of several circumstances (that I confidently look back on now and know it was God's timing at work), I was still working my reduced schedule at the church. I also had not come across anything that was a fit for this new direction we felt God was taking our lives. Until this blog post. Michael Hyatt praised eaHELP and the assistant they provided him. I looked them up and sent my resume in. For the first time, I was excited about the potential to have the best of both worlds - be home for my family and supplement our income.

Fast forward...again...to November. My first interview with eaHELP. I was cautiously optimistic. This blog post could have opened the door to exactly what my heart wanted. But I was still at the church. My commitment was to stay until I had time to train my replacement.

By the end of November my replacement had been found. And I was moving forward in the interview process with eaHELP. And just like God does, my final day at the church was just 4 days before my first day with my client through eaHELP. I actually sat and cried at how faithful God is to grant us the desires of our heart. Those desires that He places in us. And if we'll walk with Him in faith, those desires that He lovingly grants.

In this second week of working for this Nashville entrepreneur, the impact of this blessing has fully hit me. This week, my sweet girl has be sick. I mean really sick. And I've been home with her. Home. And I've not missed work.

My heart's desire was to be home with my family. And supplement our income. And that's exactly where God has placed me. He's placed me smack in the middle of my heart's desire.

Do you have a heart's desire that you long to have fulfilled? Be patient. Wait on God. He wants to give it to you. It probably won't come in your timeframe. Or the way you expect it to arrive. But He wants you to have it. And when He grants it, there will be no doubt that it was Him.

It is Well

These last two weeks have been perfection. Not because everything has gone perfectly. Actually, they haven't gone perfectly at all. Or at least not as planned. But because I'm right where I need to be. A little while ago, I posted Heavy on the Bitter, Light on the Sweet. I knew the feeling would shift, but didn't know when. It has shifted. It is heavy on the sweet.

These last two weeks I've been home for Christmas break. Home. We had a beautiful Christmas. I soaked up the family time, the kids' excitement, the time. The precious time. The kids were supposed to go home with my parents after Christmas. But one with the flu and the other with an upper respiratory infection changed that. I wiped noses, cleaned bathrooms, washed and washed and washed clothes and blankets. I sanitized and sterilized every surface many times. And it was perfection. Not because my kids were sick, but because I was being mom. Not pressured by other obligations. Feeling no guilt about telling others no. Just being mom to my most precious treasures.

This New Year's week, the kids were supposed to spend time with Chad's parents. Again, plans turned upside down and shaken kept them home. As much as I know two grandma's hearts were saddened by changed plans, this mama's heart was blessed to just have time. I've relished my son's corny jokes and accidental sense of humor. I've completely soaked up my daughter's practical, 4 year old observations about the news or the weather. I've watched more Disney channel and Finding Bigfoot than I ever thought I'd have the patience to sit through. We've watched every episode of Duck Dynasty at least twice. And I've loved the sweetness of it. Every single minute of it.

I feel like the passage from Isaiah that I referenced in my last post is our theme verse for this year. He is doing a new thing. Not just in me, but in our home, in our family.

This time, these moments are heavy on the sweet. These moments are the peace like a river attending my way. These moments cause my heart to cry out, "It is well. It is well with my soul."

One Word...Round 2

Last year at about this time I posted a blog with my take on resolutions and a new outlook I had on a new year. It was called One Word. I re-read that today. And I think I did what I set out to do. I PURSUED what was close to my heart. Did I do it perfectly? No. But I was intentional about pursuing those things close to my heart.

This week, as the new year has started, one word has played over and over again in my mind. And again this year I'll have a one word focus to drive my year. This year's word is CELEBRATE: to mark with festivities or other deviation from routine.

CELEBRATE. Celebrate the positives in the kids day to day. Sound small? Well, if you're a parent, like me, who has fallen into daily routine, like me, who tends to react bigger to what's done wrong, like me...Well, this is big. This year I will be intentional about CELEBRATING what the kids do right. A clean room, a good grade, patience with the sibling, an act of kindness...whatever it is, this year those things will be celebrated. And given more weight than things done wrong. This year, I will purposefully celebrate the greatness God has placed in my two precious gifts.

CELEBRATE. Celebrate my marriage. I recognize often how greatly blessed I am with this man God has given me. And I try to consistently let him know how much I appreciate him. But sometimes in the day to day, I take little things for granted. I get caught up in that little thing that's wearing on my nerves instead of celebrating the big things that make our marriage work. I want to celebrate us. I want to focus on the countless positives and celebrate them often.

CELEBRATE. Celebrate the path we're on. 2012 brought change. It brought steps out of my comfort zone. It brought growth. And it brought the awareness that maybe the path God is leading us down is a little different than what we had in mind. This year, instead of fretting over not knowing every step or every answer, I will celebrate that my Father has a plan. He has a map for this journey. I will celebrate the fact that I can rest in the peace of knowing I don't need to see the whole map. If I stay fixed on Him, my path will never go wrong. And our path as a family will blow my mind.

CELEBRATE. Celebrate change. If you know me well or have followed this blog long at all, you know one of the greatest struggles I've faced as an adult is my absolute complete dislike of change. God has done such a work in me to just breathe. And trust. And change. This year, I won't just accept change, I will CELEBRATE change. I will trust fully that if He has brought change about, then it is best. And I will celebrate it. I will forget the things of the past and celebrate the new thing.

I will CELEBRATE this year. And in the tough times, I will intentionally find the things to celebrate. I. Will. Celebrate.

Forget the things that happened in the past. Do not keep on thinking about them. I am about to do something new. It is beginning to happen even now. Don't you see it coming? I am going to make a way for you to go through the desert. I will make streams of water in the dry and empty land. Isaiah 43:18-19

No Fear

When I was a teenager there was a popular line of clothing called No Fear. It was a pretty hot trend for a while. You'd see it on hats, shirts and all kids of other things. I'm not sure what we were supposed to have "No Fear" of, but just about everyone had something with the brand on it. After the past week's tragic massacre in Newtown, CT, fear has stricken parents all across our country. And honestly, it's gripped my heart a bit, too. As I've prayed for that community and for all of our precious children over these last few days, God has consistently reminded me of one thing: to have no fear. That's one of those things that is so much easier to say than to do. But every time I find myself drifting to a place of fear, God gently plants Isaiah 54:10 in my mind: "The mountains might shake. The hills might be removed. But my faithful love for you will never be shaken. And my covenant that promises peace to you will never be broken," says the Lord. He shows you his loving concern." Through so many different things in my life, God has used that single verse to speak peace to me. And this is another one of those times. There is so much in this world that is fully out of my control. So many things I can't protect my children from. So many unknowns in every part of my day. But God sees it all. And God promises me His peace, if I'll seek and accept it. If I choose to live with No Fear, surrendering my life and, even bigger, my children's lives to his control, He promises me peace. Peace when nothing else makes sense. Peace when the world, or my world, is turned upside down. Peace when chaos abounds. And it's a peace that no power or person on earth can take from me. When tragedy strikes, when this world just doesn't make sense, I can have peace. But it's a choice. I can choose to daily walk in fear of things that I can't control or I can choose to trust Him and have no fear. I can choose to trust Him and walk in His precious covenant of peace. Thank you, Jesus, for your sweet peace.

In 11 days...

In just 11 days, Christmas will be here. In 11 days, our house will wake up and eagerly head to our living room to excitedly open Christmas gifts. In 11 days we'll gather with family that we don't see nearly enough. In 11 days we'll enjoy our favorite Christmas foods and fully overeat then nap on the couch while we watch football. In 11 days 26 (as the count stands now) families will observe their first Christmas after losing their child, their spouse, their parent, their friend. In 11 days presents that were bought in anticipation of a Kindergartener's Christmas will remain unopened...serving as a cruel reminder of a senseless act. In 11 days, while the rest of the country celebrates, 26 families will struggle to find a smile in the grief and mourning. In 11 days, the added patience we have with our kids today will likely be worn thin. The added time that we longed for today will likely seem less significant. The extra tight and numerous hugs we've given today will likely have returned to what "normal" is in our homes. In 11 days most of us will have returned to life as normal. But not those 26 families. Life will never be normal again. Through God's grace they will begin to heal. Through God's strength at work in them, a very different life will continue and move forward. Those 26 families will likely never take their remaining family for granted again. They will like hold their surviving children closer every day. They will likely grow to have a very new and full appreciation for this life. Today, 11 days before Christmas, the heart of this mother is grieved beyond words. Tears are being shed for children I never knew and parents I will never meet. Today, 11 days before Christmas, with fully inadequate words, I sat with my children and tried to answer questions about an evil I can't begin to explain. There's something about this tragic event that has hit me very differently. Maybe it's that the majority of these children are just a year older than my daughter. Maybe it's that this happened in a quiet, safe community. Maybe it's that it happened in an Elementary School. Maybe it's a bit of all of it. Whatever it is, I find myself wanting to be more intentional. Intentional about making sure my kids leave me every day knowing without doubt how much they are loved. How proud I am of them. Intentional about increasing my patience. Intentional about extra hugs, extra snuggles. Intentional about time. Today, 11 days before Christmas, in honor of the lives lost...and because it's what should be done without these gruesome events...I am looking forward to being more intentional. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my children. I'm not just counting my blessings, I'm relishing them. Today and in 11 days my prayers will pour out for 26 families in Connecticut. Today and every day I will cling to my anchor and know that he He holds firm...even when this world is shaken. "I find rest in my God alone. He is the One who saves me. He alone is my rock. He is the One who saves me. He is like a fort to me. I will always be secure." Psalm 62:1-2

Heavy on the bitter, light on the sweet

Change. Transition. Turning the page. New chapter. No matter how you say it, it's something I don't generally jump up and down and get excited about. Even when it's self-initiated change. And that's where I am right now. Right smack in the middle of a change that I felt God lead me to some months ago. That's finally happening now. And it's bittersweet...with emphasis on the bitter. For the last three and half years, my church has also been my job. The job has changed over the years and with each change I've grown to love it more. But it's been more than a job. It's been a ministry. Sometimes by title, sometimes by chance, sometimes by choice. I look back at who I was in June of 2009 when I showed up to work that first day and in some ways I hardly recognize that girl. That girl was one week removed from single most difficult thing she had ever walked through. That girl had felt God working in her and restoring things in her, but until her Pastor caught her totally off guard in the church parking lot, didn't know that other people saw it, too. That girl totally questioned if she was really equipped for this ministry position that had just come her way. But that girl knew that God had been at work. And that God had a plan bigger than her. And that if she would just walk in it, she'd love where it took her. In three and a half years I've come a long way. I've seen a lot. I've grown so much. I've done things that have scared me to death...and seen God work because of it. I've come to recognize areas where I fall short that I have to work on daily. I've learned a whole new respect for loyalty and trust. And I hope I've become more of both of those things. I've come to really appreciate those who invest in others. And those who have invested in me. I've learned to see beyond the exterior of someone's personality and know that there is a story that has shaped that person. This "job" has helped keep my centered and has reminded me of how important the church is to its community. It has allowed me to work with a purpose, not just for an income. And there was a time that I couldn't picture myself not there. Until about six months ago. God began working in me and in our family leading my heart back to my greatest calling...mom. And He has allowed everything to fall perfectly into place in perfect time. And now that this time is nearing an end, I'm on the bitter end of the bittersweet. The "lasts" that come with leaving a job are sinking in. I'm getting a little emotional about leaving. But looking so forward to what God has in store for me, for us, next. I'm growing to embrace change more in my old age. This bitter is giving me a greater appreciation for where I've been and what I've had for the last three and a half years. And it keeps me looking forward to the beautiful sweet that will come when I'm home...where my heart is.

Jerusalem First

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you. Then you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem. You will be my witnesses in all Judea and Samaria. And you will be my witnesses from one end of the earth to the other. Acts 1:8 (NIRV)

This is possibly one of the most well know passages in the New Testament. It's one I can remember hearing my whole life. And have heard many teachings on it. But yesterday it came to life in a very real, heart-wrecking way. Every year around Christmas time we support organizations like Operation Christmas Child or Agora Ministries or various Angel Tree charities. We do it because there's a need. We do it because we want our kids to grasp that we are a tremendously blessed family. And we do it because it makes us feel good. We do these things, talk about the things we saw and how blessed we are for a few days then go about our lives. I'll be honest. I've never considered myself a naive person. I've honestly never thought I lived inside a bubble. But as my bubble popped yesterday, I realized how blinded I've been...especially to the things in my Jerusalem...right here in my neighborhood. I sat in a meeting yesterday where I heard about families right in my son's school that have needs that absolutely wreck my heart. Families sleeping on floors because there's nothing else to sleep on. Families whose most basic needs don't just come up short occasionally, but are never met. I knew that in our quiet Hill Country town there were those with needs. But it never occurred to me that those needs were less than one mile from me on any given day. As my naive bubble popped and my heart broke (ok, I cried a little, too), Act 1:8 ran through my head. But there was so much emphasis on "Jerusalem" each time. See, very unintentionally, we've looked for needs in our Judea (other parts of our state). We've looked for needs in our Samaria (other parts of our country). And we've looked for needs on other ends of the earth. But somehow we've overlooked our Jerusalem. Our hometown. My heart ached as I thought of the needs that have been right in front of our noses for all these years that we've just missed. How many of these precious children have I crossed paths with at my son's school, yet never thought to ask if there's a need? How many of these parents have I crossed paths with in the course of a day and just missed? As I spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening trying to figure out what we can do to help, I felt God do what he often does. He showed me something I've missed. Both inside and outside. I don't think locations are in random order in that verse above. I believe that they were intentionally ordered that way when Paul wrote Acts. We start where we are. Build in our immediate communities. Meet needs in our immediate communities. Invest in our immediate communities. Then we work on those needs in our state, our country, our world. Or do them simultaneously. But I think we often "forget" to see the needs right where we are. And that's where God showed me what I've missed on the inside. It's easier to give or invest in things that are at a distance...outside my city, outside my state, outside my country. The time and emotional investment aren't as deeply rooted. To meet the needs right in my community will require more of an investment...of my time, of my resources. Of my emotions. Investing right where I am means I'll cross paths with those that I've tried to help. And I won't be able to simply walk by going about my day. I'll end up crying with people. And I'll end up celebrating with people. Because they will be real, tangible, cross-my-path-often people. I've not consciously overlooked my own neighborhood. But I've certainly not been intentional to seek out needs here. And I find myself feeling a bit self-centered because of it. But here's the good news. Today I'm aware. Today I'm ready to take action. Today I'm ready to share in the tears. This Christmas season, I encourage to be His witness in your Jerusalem. Call the nearest school to you and ask how you can help families. Call your church and ask how you can meet needs in your own congregation. Call a local non-profit and find out what they need. But be ready...your heart will be wrecked by the needs right in front of you. And your reward will be immeasurable.

Day 1: The Foundation

There's a little fad that's made it's way around Facebook and Twitter the last couple of years in the month of November. It's to post each day about something you're thankful for. I'm gonna be totally honest. I've never participated because I knew I wouldn't follow through and finish. But this year I felt like I was supposed to play along...just in a different way. A blog a day. And since I'm putting this in writing, I have to follow through and finish. So, here it goes. Day 1! Today I'm thankful for my life's foundation. It's not just a foundation of faith, but a foundation of love, of giving, of life. It's a foundation that has shaped who I am in so many ways. It's a foundation that was laid by my grandparents, Lloyd & June Ball. My grandparents lived through the Great Depression. They both lived through things that would make some people crumble...but made them stronger. They both lived their lives to serve their God and anyone else they could. They worked hard. Today's entitlement generation could take a lesson from how they lived...and saved...and earned all that they had. My grandpa served in World War II and the Korean War. If you asked him, he would downplay his service. He often felt that because he wasn't on front lines, his role wasn't as significant. That's actually how he was about most of his life. Incredibly humble. A prideful spirit was nowhere to be found with him. He epitomized the phrase "man of God". Slow to anger, quick to forgive. First to serve, but usually behind the scenes. He never wanted recognition. He truly served out of a heart of love and only needed his Heavenly Father's approval. He loved everyone. And everyone he met loved him. He saw the best in everyone and always gave you the benefit of the doubt. He would give the shirt off his back to anyone at any time. He may have aged physically, but he never got old. His heart for missions was unmatched. His pride in his family was evident to all who met him...even if just for a moment. He'd be sure you knew how perfectly wonderful his daughter, granddaughter and great grandkids were. And if you knew him the last 5 years of his life, you'd know that mom and I happily faded into the background as he became completely enamored with my two munchkins! He knew his Bible inside and out. And even as his memory faded over the last couple of years, he never forgot the spiritual things, the Bible things, the beautiful old hymns. My grandma, well, she was grandpa's polar opposite in so many ways. You'd know that if you ever got on her bad side. Grandpa didn't have one. Grandma did. And once you got on it, you weren't getting off. She brought life to every place she went and everything she did. If she was around, there was a party. You never knew what she was gonna say. She was a get-it-done kind of lady. If she saw a need, it was going to be met. If she couldn't meet it herself, she was going to get all the people necessary to make sure it was met. She was fiercely loyal. And ferociously protective of those she loved. She was strong and independent. And she was incredibly smart. She had a career working with special needs students. She was so different than so many other women of her generation. She had a voice...and she used it. She never stopped learning. She never stopped giving. She pretty much never stopped. Age was strictly a number. She watched MTV so that she would know what all the "kids" were up to these days. She loved the old church music, but welcomed the change of music with more guitar than organ. All of those things, plus countless others, have laid a foundation. Have taught me. Have had a huge part in shaping who I am today. They established a foundation of faith in our family and left a legacy that now their great grandchildren can begin to carry. I'm so thankful to have called them my grandparents. Who are the people that laid a foundation for you?

Some Day...

In the last couple of weeks, I've had some extra opportunities to do fun, special stuff with the kids. And in that, God has made me keenly aware of how fleeting these moments are. My sweet boy goes into 6th grade next year. Here, 6th grade is its own campus. Not part of elementary school, but not quite middle school yet. Next year my sweet girl goes into Kindergarten. Today, they both still enjoy when I show up at the schools for something. Today, they still ask if I'll please come to the party or the field trip. Today, I don't embarrass them. Today, they'll still give me a hug and a kiss in front of their friends. They'll even both still initiate the hug or kiss. But soon those moments will become less and less. It's a natural part of the growing up process. And in a lot of ways I'm looking forward to the next stages. Where our conversations are more grown up. Where the public affection will happen less often, but have more significant meaning. Where I'll begrudgingly be allowed to tag along on a class trip. I look forward to them because I know that it's all part of growing up. It's all part of how my relationship with my kids will change and grow as they grow. I know there will be things I miss, but I know there will be unexpected things that I love, too. But today, in this moment, I love where we are. I love being there. I love being wanted. I love that their friends like me and want me around or want to be at our house. I love taking silly pictures at the bowling alley or the pumpkin patch. I love snuggling on the couch with a re-run of Good Luck Charlie. I love help in the kitchen and playing word games. I love family devotions with a kids Bible. I love late night board games with big brother after little sister is tucked in bed. I love being present. Not just being here, but being present in the every day. I love that God has allowed me to be aware of how fleeting this time is. Some day they'll grow up and need me less, need me differently. But today, this day, I'm here and I love it.