Faith Made Real

Three years ago our family experienced what was (and honestly still is) our greatest heart break.  A little way through my second trimester of pregnancy, we lost our little girl.  It was a Tuesday.  To say that the days following were difficult is beyond an understatement.  So many questions.  So much pain.  So lost.  So confused.  So much unexplainable peace.  So much comfort for my shattered heart.  So much that needed healing.

As dark as that Tuesday was, God was ever present and I knew it.  As painful as that Tuesday was, I knew that, if I would just let Him, God wanted to heal my pain.  As difficult as this step in my journey was, I knew that God had a plan.

That was a Tuesday.  The following Sunday, as weak and exhausted as I was, there was something in me that just had to get to a worship service that was happening that evening at our church.  A few songs in, Healer began.  That night, standing there singing this very new-to-me song, I began to feel healing.  I began to feel God at work within me.  I knew that this would not be a short or easy process, but I sang that song believing that the words were for me.  That song became my prayer.  It became my resolve.  When the darkness would start to creep back in, I claimed the words of that song, believing in faith that my healing would come.

Fast forward three years.  I don't know when it happened.  I can't point to a specific day, time, event.  But standing in church just short of three years from the loss of our baby girl, we sang this song again.  As I stood and sang this song, I realized something.  That song has gone from being my prayer, to being my testimony.  That song has gone from being what I believed would happen, to what has happened.  In shaken faith, I sang that song three years ago, but today in firm faith I sing that song.  Today in firm faith, I can say He is (as in, has completed the healing) my Healer.

Sometimes our healing is a slow, long, painful process.  Sometimes our faith that healing can even happen is only the size of a mustard seed.  But thankfully that mustard seed is all it takes.  That mustard seed prayer of faith (I believe you are {going to be} my Healer), prayed over and over and over again, slowly grows.  And without even realizing it sometimes, the prayer of faith becomes a testimony.  Your faith is made real.

Night Light

I have a really hard time seeing in the dark.  It's ridiculous.  Even with the light that normally illuminates the night, I can't see anything.  We have a standing rule (okay, I have a standing rule): a bedside light or the TV has to stay on until I'm in bed.  If not, it's almost a guarantee that I'll end up with a bedtime injury of some kind.  It sometimes makes driving difficult.  The time that it is actually the worst is walking down my front walk or driveway at night.

We have lights on the side of the house, by the driveway.  And on the front porch.  But they don't illuminate very far.  On the rare occasion that I have to go to the mailbox or walk a trashcan to the curb after dark, I usually take a flashlight.  Because my eyes just don't adjust and I can't see my feet, much less the random deer, tree or anything else that's in my path.  When I forget the flashlight, the darkness seems to just surround me, consume me, almost suffocate me.  The farther I walk from the light, the darker it gets.  Step by step, the darkness increases.  I literally count the steps until I reach the curb or end of the walk.  Because then I can turn around.  As soon as I turn around I can see the light.  When I'm facing the light, I can see enough to know pretty well what's around me.  My path gets brighter the closer I get.  And once I get to the light, I can see everything.  Clearly.

I think our spiritual lives are a lot like this.  We know that staying in the Light is what's best.  We know that as long as we walk in the Light, we'll clearly see what lies in our path.  We know that the Light will show us any hazards that are in our way.  Yet we still sometimes walk towards the darkness.  Sometimes it's just a step or two and then we step back in the Light.  But other times we continue to walk deeper and deeper into the darkness, until darkness is all we see.  Until the light is no where in front of us.  Until we're spiritually tripping, falling, suffocating in the darkness around us.

There's good news in that overwhelming, suffocating darkness.  If you turn around, you'll see the Light.  It may just be a small glimmer at first.  But the closer you get to it, the brighter it gets.  The more your path is illuminated.  The more those obstacles, hurdles and hazards are visible.  This time you bypass them because walking (or running) towards the light allows you to see the danger.

The brighter we allow the Light to be in our lives, the more clearly we see everything.  As soon as we begin to step into the shadows, turning our back away from the light, our path, our purpose, our mission becomes less clear.  Stay in the Light.  Stay on the bright path.  Then you can leave the night light at home.

Battle for the Mind

A friend of mine recently started a book club and the first book was Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind.  Because of different things going on, I wasn't able to participate in the book club, but I was able to do a two week devotional based on the book.  It was a great reminder of the power that our thoughts hold.

Since completing that devotional I've tried to be very conscious of what's on my mind, where my thoughts lead me.  And I've become keenly aware at how easy it is for my mind to start with one small thought and end up totally lost on a trail that is then effecting my emotions.  I've found myself thinking just one small thought that, on it's own, is nothing.  But where that thought leads is negative.  One thought will bring up a hurt that was long ago forgiven, but now stirs emotion.  One thought will create a string of thoughts that lead to emotion about something that hasn't even happened...but in my mind I allowed to happen.

I'll be honest.  At first I was a little taken aback at the realization of what my mind does to me.  I honestly thought I had a pretty good "thought" life.  What I've learned through this short journey is that my mind really is a battlefield.

The enemy knows that if a single thought is planted and allowed to grow, he can completely sideline my day.  I've found myself a lot over these last weeks spending more time in prayer than usual.  Not over things going on, but just on things in my head.  I've found myself literally exercising II Corinthians 10: 5 (I destroy every claim and every reason that keeps people from knowing God.  I keep every thought under control in order to make it obey Christ.) on almost a daily basis.

I've also found great power in knowing that those thoughts are not His thoughts about me, about my life, about my family, about my future.  I've found great power in knowing that those thoughts, with just a prayer, are in complete submission to Him.  I've found that my mind is the biggest battle that I will ever fight against.  And I've found that I will continue to win the battle, in Him.

Courageous

I recently wrote about things that I want my daughter to hear, believe, know as she grows up in this world that so often misguides our girls.  (If you missed that you can read it here.)  Since writing that, I've spent a lot of time really thinking about things I want my son to know, to really take hold of.

There's a completely different set of pressures on boys today than on girls.  And so many "famous" influences delivering messages so contrary to the core values that I pray we've taught our son.  As a mom, my heart can grow so overwhelmed thinking of all that he faces.  And I think of the choices already facing some of the teenagers and young men he looks up to so much.  As I come to accept the lack of control I have over a lot of outside influences, these are the things that I hope my sweet boy keeps close to his heart.

Keep God first.  Always.  Learn how to pray.  Do it often.  About everything and anything that is important to you.  God cares about it all.  Don't just read your Bible, STUDY your Bible.  Make it an unbreakable habit.  Speak with respect to everyone.  Learn compassion.  You don't have to be THE best, as long as you do YOUR best.  Choose your friends wisely.  They will make or break you in life.  Don't compare yourself to anyone else.  Don't try to be like anyone else.  God made YOU to be YOU, not a cheap knockoff of someone else.  When you're ready to start dating (although I'm in complete denial that this will ever happen), choose a girl who respects herself.  And respects her parents.  Choose a girl who makes God as much or more of a priority in her life as you do.  Pray together.  Not just over a meal.  Treat her with respect and honor.  Accept and believe that God has an amazing plan for your life.  It's a great plan.  It's the best plan.  Follow it, pursue it, chase it passionately.  You will do great things in life.  No matter how much or how little money you have, be generous.  Lead well.  Be courageous in your faith.  It takes more courage to do what's right than to follow the crowd.  BE courageous.

The greatest blessing, the greatest challenge and greatest responsibility I have in this life is being a mom.  Not gonna lie that it's a little intimidating and overwhelming sometimes.  But as I've learned raising my sweet boy (and little miss), especially this last year, he was God's first.  God has great plans for him.  If I work to instill these things in him and lead by example, God will take care of the rest.  And he will be courageous.

Crazy Beautiful

Sometimes I am completely intimidated by raising a girl in this crazy world.  So many negative influences out there.  So many totally wrong messages about just about everything.  Sometimes I just want to hide her from the world.  But I can't.

I think about insecurities that I developed as a pre-teen and teenager.  Some that stuck with me well into adulthood, others that didn't last as long.  I think about the influences that media and celebrity had on me.  And then I realize how much stronger these influences are today.  All of these things scare me a little.  All of these things make me realize how strong my influence has to be in my daughter's life.  All of these things make me realize how valuable Godly influences will be in her life as she grows older.  All of this makes me think of things I'd love to tell the teenage girls in my life now.  They may be the influences in my daughter's as she grows.

Girls!  You are wonderfully made, completely unique and created by a God who has plans for your life bigger than you can possibly understand.  Your life has infinite value.  Anyone who tells you different is lying.  Learn to read your Bible.  Learn to pray.  The more you learn these things, the more you'll understand how much God values you.  Don't try to be like other people.  Be someone that others want to be like.  Avoid the drama.  Respect your body.  Find people that you can talk to about anything.  They're out there.  Always, always, ALWAYS believe in yourself.  Don't look at a magazine to find out how to be beautiful.  You already are.  Just like you are.  You're not just beautiful, you're crazy beautiful.

As my sweet girl grows up, as she faces this world and all it will throw at her, these are the things I want her to believe.  To live.  To teach.  These are the things that I want her to learn from me and the other people in her life.  And as God gives me opportunity, these are the things I hope I can teach a few other girls along the way.

Running on Empty

I sat down today to write and just felt empty.  No words.  No thoughts.  Not even a sensible sentence to string together.  I was a little frustrated at first.  And I almost walked away from this lovely computer.  And then my sweet girl started playing with the iPod.  The first words played spoke to the emptiness of my mind: "When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll.  Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well.  It is well with my soul."

My "empty" today doesn't come from anything wrong.  Just the feeling of an empty tank.  Just that feeling of too much going on and not enough of me to go around for all of it.  Just that feeling of empty.  There's nothing left in my tank and I need to refuel.  Yet there's a talkative pre-schooler and two soon-to-be fifth graders keeping me running on just the fumes.

Just as I'm tempted to shut down for the night, certain that on empty, there's nothing I can say, I hear words that speak peace to the emptiness.  I hear words that remind me that when I'm running on empty, his peace is right where I am.  I hear words that remind me just how well it is with my soul.

God doesn't promise that my tank won't hit empty.  And he certainly never promised to bail me out when the "empty" is completely of my own doing.  But He does offer His peace.  In the good times and the bad.  In the happy and the sad.  In the full times and the empty.  He offers me rest and a chance to refuel.

Tonight I'm quietly reminded by a simple song on a iPod that while I'm on empty, truly it is well with my soul.

The Refinery

Do you ever feel like you're in a season where you're spending a lot of time being refined? Like every time you turn around you're smack in the middle of the refinery? I've been there a lot lately.  I have a few rough edges, two to be exact, that God is really working to smooth out right now.  These are areas that have probably needed refinement for most of my adult life, but that I honestly haven't completely noticed until recently.

This refinement process is not a fun one.  Seeing and acknowledging these shortcomings is humbling to say the least.  It's a process I'd avoid all together if I could.  And I guess I could, but what I'm learning right now is that God has a plan for the refinement.  God has a plan for me that can't move forward without the refinement.  Avoiding the refinement not only damages me, but takes me out of the place where God can effectively use me in His plan.

But through this discomfort (and sometimes pain) beautiful, smooth refining happens.  A refining that makes me stronger.  A refining that teaches me.  A refining grows me.  A refining that allows me to not only move forward in God's plan for me, but allows me to see more of His plan.

Lord, help me to not be discouraged as I walk through this refinery.  Help me to see what you're trying to teach me.  Help me to grow in this.  Help me to continue to seek to live in your plan...even when that plan is uncomfortable for me.

It's About Time

I'm learning a lot about parenting lately.  And I tend to learn the most from my kids.  Sometimes I think I'm the one being "parented".  I've been blessed to have my schedule change recently to allow more time with my family.  Little did I know that on day one of this new schedule, my daughter would have a lesson for me.

We were set to have a girly morning.  My son was at baseball camp with a friend, so breakfast at a girly restaurant, a hair appointment and a nail appointment were on my sweet girl's agenda.  We did all of those things and had a great morning.  After getting lunch and heading back towards home, I asked what her favorite part of the day was.  Her answer was beautifully unexpected. "Spending time with you, mommy." My heart melted instantly.  I got more than just a little teary eyed.  It wasn't what we did, it was just that we did.  The value came just from the time spent.  Sure, she enjoyed the things we did, but that's not how she measured the value.

I think our relationship with God is often like this.  We get busy.  We get distracted.  We lose focus.  And then we re-prioritize.  And with that, we go to church 5 times in one week, pray for everyone we've ever met, volunteer to help in the church nursery...all in an attempt for our actions to show God that we plan on getting it right this time.  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with any of those things.  But so often we get wrapped up in what we do, that we forget that all God wants is our time.  He just wants our sincere prayers for the things weighing heaviest on our hearts...not empty words in lengthy, King James version prayers.  He wants our fully engaged, heartfelt worship in one church service...over the going-through-the-motions, attend-everything-but-get-nothing-out-of-it attendance.  He wants us to know who we are in Him and serve others through that...not tolerate the dirty diapers because it's what a "good" Christian does.

God doesn't want (or need) our grand gestures.  He just wants us to spend time with Him.  Genuine, quality time.  He doesn't measure it so much by the what, but by the time, by the heart.  Just like my daughter melted my heart with her value of our time together, we touch the Father's heart when we spend time with him.

Plans? What Plans?

Have you ever thought you had it all figured out? Ok, may not all, but at least a next step? Or a plan? Maybe just a direction that you're walking confidently in.  You've even spent time in prayer and felt this path, as few steps as may have been taken, was the path God had you on.  Then, seemingly straight out of left field, everything changes.  One conversation, one phone call, one meeting and things you thought were certain suddenly aren't.  A path you you were heading down is now a dead end.  An open door is suddenly slammed shut.  And what seemed certain now is nothing but questions.

Where do you go next? What do you do? Just considering the possibilities that could lie ahead is exciting, terrifying and all together overwhelming.  And how do I know if what I'm hearing is God or me? How do I know if I've got it "right" this time.

If you're anything like me, the lack of answers to all of the questions can seem almost paralyzing.  I'm not one who likes changes.  I like a plan.  I like to follow a plan.  No surprises, nothing unexpected.  Just stick to the plan.  Here's the problem if you're like me. It's easy to miss the bigger  plan obsessing over the today-and-tomorrow plan.  Sometimes, because my Father knows me so well, a dead end or a sharp, unexpected turn is what it takes to get me to see the bigger picture...the Master's plan.

I don't find answers to all of the questions, but I'm reminded, "I know the plans I (God) have for you..."  And I have to remember that His plan is not only often different than mine, but much better than mine.

Who Holds the Power?

My 4 year old was rearranging fridge art the other day and was rather fascinated by the magnets.  After much moving around, she wanted to show me the finished product.  She excitedly exclaimed, "Mommy, look at how those papers are holding the magnets up!"  At first what she said didn't really register.  But then I realized what she said and started explaining that it's not the paper holding the magnets up, but the magnets holding the paper.

I thought it was kind of funny how she thought the paper held the power instead of the magnet.  Yet, her perception of where the power lay is so similar to how we live our lives.  We walk through life all to often unaware of or unwilling to use the power that God has placed in each one of us.  Or worse yet, giving that power someone or something else.

God has placed in us the power to believe in ourselves, believe in who he has called us to be.  Yet our beliefs about who we are become formed by others opinions of us and who they tell us we are.  God has placed in us the power to overcome our past, our mistakes.  Yet we live in bondage to those memories and never fully more forward in life.  God has placed in us the power to live above the addictions and vices in this world, yet we give the power to those things to control our lives.

The list could go on and on of all of the ways we misplace power in our lives.  But the bottom line is, God has placed His power in each of us to overcome anything placed in our paths.  And even when we "give" the power to the "paper" the magnet is still what holds the power.  Even when you or I give power to someone or something else in our lives, through God that power still lies within us.