No Fear

When I was a teenager there was a popular line of clothing called No Fear. It was a pretty hot trend for a while. You'd see it on hats, shirts and all kids of other things. I'm not sure what we were supposed to have "No Fear" of, but just about everyone had something with the brand on it. After the past week's tragic massacre in Newtown, CT, fear has stricken parents all across our country. And honestly, it's gripped my heart a bit, too. As I've prayed for that community and for all of our precious children over these last few days, God has consistently reminded me of one thing: to have no fear. That's one of those things that is so much easier to say than to do. But every time I find myself drifting to a place of fear, God gently plants Isaiah 54:10 in my mind: "The mountains might shake. The hills might be removed. But my faithful love for you will never be shaken. And my covenant that promises peace to you will never be broken," says the Lord. He shows you his loving concern." Through so many different things in my life, God has used that single verse to speak peace to me. And this is another one of those times. There is so much in this world that is fully out of my control. So many things I can't protect my children from. So many unknowns in every part of my day. But God sees it all. And God promises me His peace, if I'll seek and accept it. If I choose to live with No Fear, surrendering my life and, even bigger, my children's lives to his control, He promises me peace. Peace when nothing else makes sense. Peace when the world, or my world, is turned upside down. Peace when chaos abounds. And it's a peace that no power or person on earth can take from me. When tragedy strikes, when this world just doesn't make sense, I can have peace. But it's a choice. I can choose to daily walk in fear of things that I can't control or I can choose to trust Him and have no fear. I can choose to trust Him and walk in His precious covenant of peace. Thank you, Jesus, for your sweet peace.

In 11 days...

In just 11 days, Christmas will be here. In 11 days, our house will wake up and eagerly head to our living room to excitedly open Christmas gifts. In 11 days we'll gather with family that we don't see nearly enough. In 11 days we'll enjoy our favorite Christmas foods and fully overeat then nap on the couch while we watch football. In 11 days 26 (as the count stands now) families will observe their first Christmas after losing their child, their spouse, their parent, their friend. In 11 days presents that were bought in anticipation of a Kindergartener's Christmas will remain unopened...serving as a cruel reminder of a senseless act. In 11 days, while the rest of the country celebrates, 26 families will struggle to find a smile in the grief and mourning. In 11 days, the added patience we have with our kids today will likely be worn thin. The added time that we longed for today will likely seem less significant. The extra tight and numerous hugs we've given today will likely have returned to what "normal" is in our homes. In 11 days most of us will have returned to life as normal. But not those 26 families. Life will never be normal again. Through God's grace they will begin to heal. Through God's strength at work in them, a very different life will continue and move forward. Those 26 families will likely never take their remaining family for granted again. They will like hold their surviving children closer every day. They will likely grow to have a very new and full appreciation for this life. Today, 11 days before Christmas, the heart of this mother is grieved beyond words. Tears are being shed for children I never knew and parents I will never meet. Today, 11 days before Christmas, with fully inadequate words, I sat with my children and tried to answer questions about an evil I can't begin to explain. There's something about this tragic event that has hit me very differently. Maybe it's that the majority of these children are just a year older than my daughter. Maybe it's that this happened in a quiet, safe community. Maybe it's that it happened in an Elementary School. Maybe it's a bit of all of it. Whatever it is, I find myself wanting to be more intentional. Intentional about making sure my kids leave me every day knowing without doubt how much they are loved. How proud I am of them. Intentional about increasing my patience. Intentional about extra hugs, extra snuggles. Intentional about time. Today, 11 days before Christmas, in honor of the lives lost...and because it's what should be done without these gruesome events...I am looking forward to being more intentional. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my children. I'm not just counting my blessings, I'm relishing them. Today and in 11 days my prayers will pour out for 26 families in Connecticut. Today and every day I will cling to my anchor and know that he He holds firm...even when this world is shaken. "I find rest in my God alone. He is the One who saves me. He alone is my rock. He is the One who saves me. He is like a fort to me. I will always be secure." Psalm 62:1-2

Heavy on the bitter, light on the sweet

Change. Transition. Turning the page. New chapter. No matter how you say it, it's something I don't generally jump up and down and get excited about. Even when it's self-initiated change. And that's where I am right now. Right smack in the middle of a change that I felt God lead me to some months ago. That's finally happening now. And it's bittersweet...with emphasis on the bitter. For the last three and half years, my church has also been my job. The job has changed over the years and with each change I've grown to love it more. But it's been more than a job. It's been a ministry. Sometimes by title, sometimes by chance, sometimes by choice. I look back at who I was in June of 2009 when I showed up to work that first day and in some ways I hardly recognize that girl. That girl was one week removed from single most difficult thing she had ever walked through. That girl had felt God working in her and restoring things in her, but until her Pastor caught her totally off guard in the church parking lot, didn't know that other people saw it, too. That girl totally questioned if she was really equipped for this ministry position that had just come her way. But that girl knew that God had been at work. And that God had a plan bigger than her. And that if she would just walk in it, she'd love where it took her. In three and a half years I've come a long way. I've seen a lot. I've grown so much. I've done things that have scared me to death...and seen God work because of it. I've come to recognize areas where I fall short that I have to work on daily. I've learned a whole new respect for loyalty and trust. And I hope I've become more of both of those things. I've come to really appreciate those who invest in others. And those who have invested in me. I've learned to see beyond the exterior of someone's personality and know that there is a story that has shaped that person. This "job" has helped keep my centered and has reminded me of how important the church is to its community. It has allowed me to work with a purpose, not just for an income. And there was a time that I couldn't picture myself not there. Until about six months ago. God began working in me and in our family leading my heart back to my greatest calling...mom. And He has allowed everything to fall perfectly into place in perfect time. And now that this time is nearing an end, I'm on the bitter end of the bittersweet. The "lasts" that come with leaving a job are sinking in. I'm getting a little emotional about leaving. But looking so forward to what God has in store for me, for us, next. I'm growing to embrace change more in my old age. This bitter is giving me a greater appreciation for where I've been and what I've had for the last three and a half years. And it keeps me looking forward to the beautiful sweet that will come when I'm home...where my heart is.

Jerusalem First

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you. Then you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem. You will be my witnesses in all Judea and Samaria. And you will be my witnesses from one end of the earth to the other. Acts 1:8 (NIRV)

This is possibly one of the most well know passages in the New Testament. It's one I can remember hearing my whole life. And have heard many teachings on it. But yesterday it came to life in a very real, heart-wrecking way. Every year around Christmas time we support organizations like Operation Christmas Child or Agora Ministries or various Angel Tree charities. We do it because there's a need. We do it because we want our kids to grasp that we are a tremendously blessed family. And we do it because it makes us feel good. We do these things, talk about the things we saw and how blessed we are for a few days then go about our lives. I'll be honest. I've never considered myself a naive person. I've honestly never thought I lived inside a bubble. But as my bubble popped yesterday, I realized how blinded I've been...especially to the things in my Jerusalem...right here in my neighborhood. I sat in a meeting yesterday where I heard about families right in my son's school that have needs that absolutely wreck my heart. Families sleeping on floors because there's nothing else to sleep on. Families whose most basic needs don't just come up short occasionally, but are never met. I knew that in our quiet Hill Country town there were those with needs. But it never occurred to me that those needs were less than one mile from me on any given day. As my naive bubble popped and my heart broke (ok, I cried a little, too), Act 1:8 ran through my head. But there was so much emphasis on "Jerusalem" each time. See, very unintentionally, we've looked for needs in our Judea (other parts of our state). We've looked for needs in our Samaria (other parts of our country). And we've looked for needs on other ends of the earth. But somehow we've overlooked our Jerusalem. Our hometown. My heart ached as I thought of the needs that have been right in front of our noses for all these years that we've just missed. How many of these precious children have I crossed paths with at my son's school, yet never thought to ask if there's a need? How many of these parents have I crossed paths with in the course of a day and just missed? As I spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening trying to figure out what we can do to help, I felt God do what he often does. He showed me something I've missed. Both inside and outside. I don't think locations are in random order in that verse above. I believe that they were intentionally ordered that way when Paul wrote Acts. We start where we are. Build in our immediate communities. Meet needs in our immediate communities. Invest in our immediate communities. Then we work on those needs in our state, our country, our world. Or do them simultaneously. But I think we often "forget" to see the needs right where we are. And that's where God showed me what I've missed on the inside. It's easier to give or invest in things that are at a distance...outside my city, outside my state, outside my country. The time and emotional investment aren't as deeply rooted. To meet the needs right in my community will require more of an investment...of my time, of my resources. Of my emotions. Investing right where I am means I'll cross paths with those that I've tried to help. And I won't be able to simply walk by going about my day. I'll end up crying with people. And I'll end up celebrating with people. Because they will be real, tangible, cross-my-path-often people. I've not consciously overlooked my own neighborhood. But I've certainly not been intentional to seek out needs here. And I find myself feeling a bit self-centered because of it. But here's the good news. Today I'm aware. Today I'm ready to take action. Today I'm ready to share in the tears. This Christmas season, I encourage to be His witness in your Jerusalem. Call the nearest school to you and ask how you can help families. Call your church and ask how you can meet needs in your own congregation. Call a local non-profit and find out what they need. But be ready...your heart will be wrecked by the needs right in front of you. And your reward will be immeasurable.

Day 1: The Foundation

There's a little fad that's made it's way around Facebook and Twitter the last couple of years in the month of November. It's to post each day about something you're thankful for. I'm gonna be totally honest. I've never participated because I knew I wouldn't follow through and finish. But this year I felt like I was supposed to play along...just in a different way. A blog a day. And since I'm putting this in writing, I have to follow through and finish. So, here it goes. Day 1! Today I'm thankful for my life's foundation. It's not just a foundation of faith, but a foundation of love, of giving, of life. It's a foundation that has shaped who I am in so many ways. It's a foundation that was laid by my grandparents, Lloyd & June Ball. My grandparents lived through the Great Depression. They both lived through things that would make some people crumble...but made them stronger. They both lived their lives to serve their God and anyone else they could. They worked hard. Today's entitlement generation could take a lesson from how they lived...and saved...and earned all that they had. My grandpa served in World War II and the Korean War. If you asked him, he would downplay his service. He often felt that because he wasn't on front lines, his role wasn't as significant. That's actually how he was about most of his life. Incredibly humble. A prideful spirit was nowhere to be found with him. He epitomized the phrase "man of God". Slow to anger, quick to forgive. First to serve, but usually behind the scenes. He never wanted recognition. He truly served out of a heart of love and only needed his Heavenly Father's approval. He loved everyone. And everyone he met loved him. He saw the best in everyone and always gave you the benefit of the doubt. He would give the shirt off his back to anyone at any time. He may have aged physically, but he never got old. His heart for missions was unmatched. His pride in his family was evident to all who met him...even if just for a moment. He'd be sure you knew how perfectly wonderful his daughter, granddaughter and great grandkids were. And if you knew him the last 5 years of his life, you'd know that mom and I happily faded into the background as he became completely enamored with my two munchkins! He knew his Bible inside and out. And even as his memory faded over the last couple of years, he never forgot the spiritual things, the Bible things, the beautiful old hymns. My grandma, well, she was grandpa's polar opposite in so many ways. You'd know that if you ever got on her bad side. Grandpa didn't have one. Grandma did. And once you got on it, you weren't getting off. She brought life to every place she went and everything she did. If she was around, there was a party. You never knew what she was gonna say. She was a get-it-done kind of lady. If she saw a need, it was going to be met. If she couldn't meet it herself, she was going to get all the people necessary to make sure it was met. She was fiercely loyal. And ferociously protective of those she loved. She was strong and independent. And she was incredibly smart. She had a career working with special needs students. She was so different than so many other women of her generation. She had a voice...and she used it. She never stopped learning. She never stopped giving. She pretty much never stopped. Age was strictly a number. She watched MTV so that she would know what all the "kids" were up to these days. She loved the old church music, but welcomed the change of music with more guitar than organ. All of those things, plus countless others, have laid a foundation. Have taught me. Have had a huge part in shaping who I am today. They established a foundation of faith in our family and left a legacy that now their great grandchildren can begin to carry. I'm so thankful to have called them my grandparents. Who are the people that laid a foundation for you?

Some Day...

In the last couple of weeks, I've had some extra opportunities to do fun, special stuff with the kids. And in that, God has made me keenly aware of how fleeting these moments are. My sweet boy goes into 6th grade next year. Here, 6th grade is its own campus. Not part of elementary school, but not quite middle school yet. Next year my sweet girl goes into Kindergarten. Today, they both still enjoy when I show up at the schools for something. Today, they still ask if I'll please come to the party or the field trip. Today, I don't embarrass them. Today, they'll still give me a hug and a kiss in front of their friends. They'll even both still initiate the hug or kiss. But soon those moments will become less and less. It's a natural part of the growing up process. And in a lot of ways I'm looking forward to the next stages. Where our conversations are more grown up. Where the public affection will happen less often, but have more significant meaning. Where I'll begrudgingly be allowed to tag along on a class trip. I look forward to them because I know that it's all part of growing up. It's all part of how my relationship with my kids will change and grow as they grow. I know there will be things I miss, but I know there will be unexpected things that I love, too. But today, in this moment, I love where we are. I love being there. I love being wanted. I love that their friends like me and want me around or want to be at our house. I love taking silly pictures at the bowling alley or the pumpkin patch. I love snuggling on the couch with a re-run of Good Luck Charlie. I love help in the kitchen and playing word games. I love family devotions with a kids Bible. I love late night board games with big brother after little sister is tucked in bed. I love being present. Not just being here, but being present in the every day. I love that God has allowed me to be aware of how fleeting this time is. Some day they'll grow up and need me less, need me differently. But today, this day, I'm here and I love it.

You are For Me

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind. Not a terrible day, but not a good day by a long stretch. One of those days where nothing big or major happens, but lots of little annoyances, little inconveniences, little frustrations. Things that, on their own, on any other day would be completely inconsequential. But add them all up together in one day and you have one of those days. Honestly, days like yesterday are the days where it's easiest for the enemy to gain a foothold in my mind. They are the days that doubt can so easily begin to creep in. They are days that I really discover what I've truly left in God's care and what I've just told God I've left in His care. And yesterday was no exception. As my little frustrations grew and my attitude faded, I began to doubt God's timing, God's direction, God's plan. But yesterday something was a little different. Beginning early in my day, God had placed things in front of me that spoke directly to the things I would be dealing with later in my day. There were tweets that caught my eye and stuck in my head. There was a short video on the internet that someone told me I had to watch. There were words of wisdom from a friend who had no idea the battle taking place in my mind. And there was one line from a song that seemingly stayed on repeat in my head. At some point in the late afternoon, one of those tweets nailed me between the eyes. It reminded me that my attitude towards all of my frustrations was my choice. As I sat and began to literally consciously choose to change my attitude, I thought about all of the little things of great consequence that God had placed in my path all day. I thought about how I had given the frustrations and annoyances more power to control my mood than little affirmations He was sending me. I realized that all day I had made the decision to choose frustration and irritation over encouragement and affirmation. And then I wondered how often I've done that in the past. How often have I simply overlooked or not acknowledged God's presence in my day in the presence of frustration? How often have I chosen the negative emotion over the encouragement and affirmation? As I thought on those things and made the choice to focus on the things of encouragement and affirmation, my outlook on my day drastically changed. And still the words of a song ran through my head. At that point I stopped and really listened to the song in my head that had been stuck there since early in the morning. "I know that you are for me" played over and over again in my head. As I played the song and said the words myself, the last of the doubt and frustration left me. If I know that He is for me, I can trust that He will always give me a reason to choose joy. If I know that He is for me, I can trust that His plan is always perfect. If I know that He is for me, I really don't have a frustration or inconvenience that I can't overcome, do I? Know that He is for YOU!

Keeping Up With...

Confession: I am one of those pinners. And if you pin, too, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't pin, then here's your warning to stay away from the obsession also known as Pinterest. There are many things that I've pinned that I've actually done...recipes, treats for the kids classes, make-up tips, housekeeping tips, gift ideas. But there are many more things that I've pinned that I've never (ok, honestly that I WILL NEVER) attempt. Not because I don't think they're great things, but because they're not my thing. There's a lot on there that I love. I think it's beautiful. I think it looks fun. I think it would look great somewhere in my house. I begin to look at these things and feel envious of those who can bring those pins to life. I begin to get into that dangerous game of comparing my lack of artistic ability to the abundance of artistry filling my computer screen. I begin to feel that need to keep up with the super crafty pinners who buy modge podge (I learned what that was about a month ago) in bulk and can create a wedding worthy center piece from empty toilet paper rolls, twist ties and tissue paper. (Can you even do that? I'm sure one of you super crafty readers will put something together!) I begin to feel like I'm lacking in something because I can't keep up with these crafting queens. But why? The truth is I'd go straight out of my mind trying to replicate the detail in most of those projects. I'd fully lose my patience and half my sanity trying to create the perfect Christmas or Valentines or Thanksgiving masterpiece. And I know that about myself. But just like I sometimes feel compelled to keep up with the pinners, I think we all get trapped in keeping up with something. Maybe it's keeping up with the "stuff" that those around us have. Maybe it's keeping up with the fashion. Or the exercise trend. Or the food trends. Or the activities. Whatever it is, we can all get wrapped up in that trap. And that trap never leads anywhere but to a place of insecurity and discontentment. A place where, instead of being secure in who we are and what our strengths are, we compare our weaknesses to someone else's strengths. And that's the worst place to be. Today I'm remembering to embrace my strengths and the things that make me, me! And to remember that those who craft like crazy or have the latest of everything or best of everything or anything else that we tend to try to keep up with, are probably tempted to try to keep up sometimes, too. And really, all I need to keep up with is Me. And who God has called me to be.

Judge and Jury

We live in a society with a justice system. While sometimes flawed, it offers those who enter it the chance to prove innocence. Or at least the chance to negotiate a lighter sentence if one has no innocence to prove. As a citizen, I've often been frustrated at the process, but nonetheless, the process often works. With evidence, witnesses, law enforcement, various experts, a jury and a judge, this system leaves no stone unturned when prosecuting. The wrongdoings in all of their ugly detail are on display for all to see. And judge. And condemn. And not only for those in the courtroom, but for any who follow the story through any form of media. There are stories on the news today that, if I'm being honest, I'm acting as judge and jury on in my mind. As one of those stories made its way onto the news today and my mind harshly judged an individual for his actions and perceived lack of remorse, I felt God nudging me away from my train of thought. And towards what my life would look like if put on display in a courtroom. No, I don't have any crimes to put on display, but I certainly have shortcomings that could be put there. Shortcomings that I'd rather never have on display. Shortcomings that may change how you think of me. But don't we all have those. But as God showed me a picture of what my life on display for all to judge would look like, He also showed me what it looks like to Him. See, to Him, my life where I have memories of shortcomings looks like a slate wiped clean. Where I have a memory of failure, he has a beautiful clean canvas. Not because I wasn't "guilty", but because as my Judge, He has expunged my record. He has made new what I in my weak human nature thought I had destroyed. And if you've asked, He's done it for you. The difference in God's justice and this world's justice is that in God's justice system, your wrongdoings are wiped away. Sure, you may still deal with consequences for those things, but God no longer sees the wrong. He no longer expects, or wants, you to carry the weight of that wrong. While people and man-made justice tend to not forget, or sometimes even let you move on, God fully wipes your slate clean. If you've never known what it's like to have a clean slate, God wants you to have it. If God's given you the clean slate, but you still carry the weight of your guilt, He wants to take that from you. If man's judgement has caused you to doubt God's goodness, He wants you to know that a fresh start is yours if you simply ask. If you live a life judging others, He wants you to remember the times that His grace is the only reason your shortcoming hasn't been on public display. Ask for a clean slate today. Walk in the freedom of a clean slate. Remember that your's hasn't always been clean. Resign your position as judge and jury. And leave that to the only One who can truly do it fairly.

Move. Or Move Me.

Complacency - 1. self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies. 2. an instance of usually unaware or uninformed self-satisfaction. We've all been there. Quite frankly, we've all spent wasted way too much time there. It's that place of complacency. That place where we are satisfied with the norm, with the way things are, with the comfort zone. Sometimes we mistakenly call that place contentment...because it sounds better. But I can't help but think that complacency is the greatest enemy to our greatness, to our potential. Sometimes that place of complacency "looks" like a good place. We're spending our time on good things. We're doing good things. We're doing the right things. We're doing the comfortable things. But what are we missing? We're investing in someone else's cause, someone else's passion, someone else's greatness. But what about our own? How often do we invest in all of those things as our way out? As our way to stay in our comfort zone. As I relished extra quiet time on our recent vacation, I also cherished extra time to hear from God. And much to my surprise, He helped me see I've fallen into a place of complacency. That unaware satisfaction of going through life doing good things. But having that nagging unfulfilled feeling because I'm selling myself short. I'm not allowing the greatness He has placed in me to grow, to move, to change. As I really began to realize how complacent I had become, I began to pray. My prayer became, and has remained, move. Or move me. God, move in my circumstances, my life, my daily decisions, my heart's desires. Move them to be in line with what your plan for my path is. Or move me. Now if you know me, or have read this blog long, you know that change is all but a four letter word to me. But isn't that thinking exactly what breeds complacency? So for me to pray, "Move me" is honestly a little terrifying. And if I'm being honest, a little difficult to do without trying to put conditions on it. But it's where I am. Now that I've recognized the complacency, I want to be moved. Out of the place of complacency. Out of the familiar. Out of the comfort zone. And into the place where I'm on the path to the greatness God has in store for me. Into the place where my purpose is fulfilled. Into the place where good is replaced by best. So tonight again I pray, Lord move. Or move me.

It's A Gift

This has been a heavy week. Friends of ours received word that their son, in his early 20's, passed away. As a mom, just the thought of receiving that kind of news makes me feel physically sick. As a friend, my heart breaks and aches for all that this family is facing. These are the times that words simply just fail. And the times that readjust my priorities and my perspective. In the heaviness of this week, I've found myself brought to tears just by the sight of my children. Overwhelmed with thankfulness. Overwhelmed at the thought of doing life without them. Overwhelmed by the realization that I sweat the small stuff too much. Overwhelmed by how short this life is and how much I've missed just being to busy.

These last days, like never in my life before, I've really recognized what a gift each day is. I've purposed to be more patient. I've stopped to watch, really watch, my daughter when she grabs my iPod, turns the music on and tells me to watch her dance. I've put down the phone and watched my son at football practice...being really present instead of just being there. I've listened to them talk. I've answered the off-the-wall questions that randomly pop up with thankfulness that my kids still come to me with the questions. I've said I love you a little more. This life is so short. It's so unpredictable. It has no guarantees. Tomorrow isn't promised to us. This life is a gift. Every day is gift. "Teach us to realize how short our lives are. Then our hearts will become wise." Psalm 90:12

Strong Like a Palm Tree

Have you ever just sat and looked at a palm tree? I mean really looked at it? Just off our balcony on our recent vacation was a beautiful grove of palm trees. As we sat there each morning, I became more and more fascinated by these palms.

As I watched these palms swaying and bending in the breeze, I recalled all of the hurricane footage I've seen over the years. Have you ever noticed that palm trees seem to always weather the strongest of storms? They bend...almost to the point of breaking. But they don't break. They are the things left standing when utter destruction is everywhere else around. I did a little (emphasis on little) research on these palms after we returned. I wondered what the roots were like, what made them so strong. While I don't have all of the answers, I did learn something. The root systems of these trees are not only deep, but wide. Their "foundation" is solid. And they don't resist or fight against the wind. As God often does, He showed me more than just these trees. In life, we face storms. Some that are short and intense, some that are long and steady and some that are like a cat 5 hurricane. But much like those beautiful palm trees, we don't break. We bend and stretch, and maybe even lose a few leaves, but we don't break. And the more we grow in our relationship with Christ, the deeper our roots grow. With the deeper roots, our our faith grows. And with greater faith, our ability to weather the storm trusting our Father grows. Because of the deeply rooted foundation we can safely bend in the storms. We don't have to resist or fight against the wind and destruction of the storms because our roots, our Father, defend us against all of it. It doesn't mean we don't feel the effects of the storms. It doesn't mean that we don't grow weary. It doesn't mean that we don't lose anything. But it does mean that when the storm is over, we won't be broken. We will be stronger. And we will continue to grow.

Labels

Late one night while we were on vacation this last week, I was flipping through the channels on our tv. I stumbled upon some televangelist in a bad suit with big hair. I stopped for a minute and listened. As a Christ follower, some of what he said absolutely resonated with me. But then came what made me change the channel. He began to seemingly praise his own righteousness as if it was something that he had done on his own. And began to condemn all of the "sinners" watching at home. It was all of him that I could stomach and I changed the channel after that. But I kept thinking about the self-righteousness that he seemed so proud to display. And then I wondered how often we, as the church, as Christ followers come across the same way. We can get so caught up in our church lingo and our church labels that sometimes I think we forget that all of those labels have applied to us. In particular with this instance is that label of sinner. It's thrown around so lightly (and somewhat condemning) at times to describe those who don't know Christ. But the reality is "Everyone has sinned. No one measures up to God's glory." Romans 3:23 (NIrV) Each and every one of us, Christ follower or not, is a sinner. The difference for us as Christ followers is that, through amazing grace that we've done nothing to earn and certainly don't deserve, we're forgiven. But forgiveness doesn't equal a sinless life. Honestly, there are areas where I almost daily fall short. Where I daily sin. And if I'm being totally honest, there are likely days where I don't reflect Christ much at all. I'm a work in progress, just like you...just like that televangelist. Believing that my loving Father has forgiven me and will extend grace and mercy to me when I do fall short. And trusting in the promise that as I grow as a Christ follower, I will less often fall short. My label no longer reads simply "Sinner". Through no work of my own, my label now reads "Sinner, saved by grace". Thanks to that televangelist, for those who are not Christ followers, I see the label differently now, too. It doesn't simply read "Sinner". It reads "Sinner in need of grace". I think, at least for me, the reminder that we are all sinners was a good one. The reminder that the heart of God is broken for those who don't yet know him is a good one. The reminder that labels, self-righteousness and condemnation don't draw people to Christ is a good one. The reminder that I often still sit in great need for God's grace is a good one.

Snow Globe

Snow globes are so pretty. As you gaze at a snow globe placed carefully on a high shelf, it's so easy to see the calm, the still, the tranquil in whatever scene is encased in the glass. But by simply shaking the snow globe, the beautiful, tranquil scene is suddenly awash in snow or confetti or glitter. And bubbly water. For a moment, chaos overtakes the scene. Tonight I was reminded how much life can be like a snow globe. Yesterday my friend Crystal & I were working out details for a fun girls morning. (Peaceful, tranquil, calm.) Tonight, we're exchanging texts about devastating news that her family received today. Suddenly, life is turned upside down and shaken. The bad news comes in like a flurry of snow and bubbles and nothing in life resembles that tranquil scene. Chaos surrounds. And you're left clinging tightly to your faith until the flurry settles. But somehow, the flurry does settle. See the thing about snow globes is that all of that pretty scenery is anchored to a foundation. It holds fast to what it's rooted in. That's so much like how our lives are. As our lives our shaken, we are held fast by the roots of our faith. Roots that are deep in the foundation of the promises God gives us. As our world shakes, our God doesn't. As turmoil swirls around us, God provides a safe refuge. And, even if our circumstances don't immediately change, peace overtakes our storm.

The mountains might shake. The hills might be removed. But my faithful love for you will never be shaken. And my covenant that promises peace to you will never be broken," says the Lord. Isaiah 54:10

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down

I was talking with a friend earlier today who shared a little bit about being judged for her past. A distant past. It's a place I've been before. Maybe you have, too. It's probably the least fun place to be. To know that God has forgiven you, restored you, blessed you and allowed you to not only leave your past behind, but use it as part of your life's ministry...but that's not good enough for some. It's seemingly as if they've placed themselves in a place above God...or have they? Today, as I was praying for words to encourage my friend, God gave me words that encouraged me, too. And maybe they'll encourage you. See these words really put a new perspective in my heart for those who live perched on a judgement seat. Here's what I told her:

We can look at our past and see the beauty from ashes. They look at their present (or maybe a past, too) and still just see ashes.

Trust me friends, those words are not from me. Those are straight from my Father knowing that in encouraging my friend, He would also be teaching me a lesson in compassion. As I thought about those words, I remembered times when all I could see were the ashes of my life. The burnt remains of a past that I wanted nothing more but to leave behind. But with God and over time, beauty came from those ashes. Not by any doing of my own, but by HIS hand at work in my life. And the more I let Him work in my ashes, the more beauty He made. The more I let Him work in my ashes, the more my ashes became my story. The more I let Him transform my ashes, the more my story has the power to speak to someone else's ashes. And maybe help them see beauty. If there's anything I've learned in this life it's that we all fall down. Maybe your past isn't full of color...or maybe your's is in full technicolor...either way, we all have ashes. But we don't have to stay in ashes. God will bring beauty, amazing beauty, from your ashes. All you have to do is let Him.

Sorry...Did I trip you?

Every once in a while a song comes along that kicks me square in the gut...in a good way.  You know the kind.  It challenges, convicts and moves you all at once and causes you to look at yourself in a painfully real way.  The song that's done that to me all too often lately is "Jesus, Friend of Sinners" by Casting Crowns.

This song could honestly produce a blog series, given that the first line is what this blog is based on.  But we'll stick with just one line.  I had a pedicure today and don't think my toes can handle that much being stepped on.

In the opening of this song, is the line: "the world is on their way to you, but they're tripping over me."  Ouch.  How many times have I been the reason that someone else stumbled? How many times have my actions done damage to the work God is trying to do in someone's life? How many times have my judgements, my opinions, my lack of mercy, grace and compassion driven people further from Christ instead of towards him?

For me, it's all too easy to forget that God hasn't called me to save the world.  He hasn't called me to change people.  He's called me to love like Jesus loved.  He's called me reflect Jesus to the best of my ability.  He's called me to live my life in a way that points people to Him.  And to let Him handle the rest.  He's allowed me the opportunities to speak lovingly into someone's life, but not to judge or condemn.

This line in this song reminds me so beautifully that God has a plan.  And His plan works.  God has a path.  And it's often not at all what my idea of a path would be.  God wants to work.  And if I'll just stay out of His way, He'll accomplish a beautiful work.

Do I have a part in that work? Of course I do.  But it's His part, not mine.  And when I do my best to do the part He has for me, my chances of tripping someone else on their way to Him all but disappear.

I'm Free, Not Perfect

Do you struggle with being a perfectionist? Does the slightest detail being out of sorts add to the number of gray hairs on your head? This is a battle I fight in my head daily.  I want things to be right.  I want things to line up just right.  Have I mentioned before that I struggle a bit with control issues? That tends to lend itself to a bit of perfectionism.

See, I all too often set myself up for the disappointment of falling short of perfection.  It's a vicious cycle.  I've gotten better over the years, but I still have a ways to go.

Yesterday at church we continued with a series called Running With the Giants.  It's been a great series, but yesterday's was the best by far, at least for me.  (If you'd like to watch that message...and you should...click here.)  The message was based on the life of David.  One statement came out of that message that spoke to the core of my perfectionist heart.  "God's power inside of me gives me the power to live in freedom.  Not perfection."  Wow.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.

Living in the freedom that my life in Christ brings, doesn't mean that things in my life have to be perfect.  That doesn't mean I have to be (or pretend to be) perfect.  It actually means I can live in complete freedom from the need for perfection.  

As that concept made it's way through my brain, I began to feel such freedom. God doesn't call me to be perfect.  He doesn't expect me to have it all together all the time.  All He wants me to do is walk in the freedom he gives me.  The freedom that allows grace for my shortcomings.  The freedom that helps me to overcome my shortcomings.  The freedom that allows me to be less than perfect.

Today, let go of the need for perfection and walk in freedom!  He's got it under control.  And it's His way that's perfect.

Give Up

My 9 year old spent last week at camp with our church.  I'm always so excited for him to go to camp.  Most of my favorite summer memories are tied to camp.  I still have friendships today that started around his age at camp.  I pray for new friendships, new experiences and new encounters with God.  I want him to have that perfect mix of fun and spiritual growth.  I always so eagerly anticipate the drive after picking him up to hear the excitement in his stories.

This year was no different.  As we drove and I listened to his camp stories, I loved hearing the excitement in his voice.  I loved hearing about the new things he tried, the new people he met.  As we sat down to dinner, he shifted from the "fun" stuff to the God stuff.

There were great little nuggets for him.  Little foundational things that will grow into big life things as he grows.  But the thing that stuck out the most to him was a story that the camp speaker (who also happens to be our AMAZING Student Ministries Pastor) told about his own life.  A story about God telling him to give something up as a teenager.  And the process that brought about his obedience.  He told us that he was going to start praying about what God might want him to give up in his life.

I was incredibly proud and totally convicted all at once.  I was so proud that my 9 year old would consider that God may want him to give something up.  And that he was committing to pray about that.  But I was so totally convicted because I knew in that instant that I may not have the nerve to pray about something God might want me to give up.  And that if He directed me to give something up, I'd likely resist...not willingly obey.

So here's what I learned from kids camp.  I want to return to that child like obedience and excitement about what God wants me to do...or not do.  I need to be constantly aware of those areas that could distract me from His plan and purpose for my life.  I need to be better about gleaning from other people's life stories and learning from their lessons.  I need to be more like my 9 year old, ready to act on whatever it is God has to say to me.

Have you talked with your kids lately about what they want God to do in them? You should.  But be ready for a swell of pride and rush of conviction.  And don't be afraid to give up.

Nothing to Be Afraid Of

Change is something I don't do well.  It's like a 4-letter-word that's really 6 letters long.  I like predictable.  I like routine.  I like order.  I like control.  Or at least that's how I've lived a lot of my adult life.  Sometimes to the point that I'll stick with the "normal" simply because change is so intimidating to me.  I've been like one of those people in a bad relationship that stays simply because the comfort of the familiar is less intimidating that the fear of the unknown.  My well laid plans, my wants, my needs (and my plans for how to get there) all neatly laid out in my heart and my iCal...even if the unknown shows great potential for being better.

Over the last several months, God has really be crafting a change in my heart.  A change that has made me begin to appreciate and maybe even welcome change in my life.  Sometimes change is painful.  It's cutting away relationships, habits, lifestyles that have become something less than God's best for us.  Sometimes change is just plain uncomfortable.  It forces us to look at ourselves and really see those areas that fall miserably short of God's best.  Sometimes change is overwhelming.  A change in jobs, career paths, locations, finances that seems to be to great of a risk.

Whatever the change, God is working in me to help me see the benefit of the change.  If God has placed a vision or a dream in my heart or yours, there's a reason for it.  And a plan for it.  But it's not my plan.  If God has lined out 10 steps (or even just one step) to take to bring me closer to a fulfilled dream, there's a purpose.  And my mind doesn't have to fully understand or grasp it to take the step.

I think that all to often as Christ followers we tell God we want to follow Him.  We tell Him that we want what He has for us.  We tell Him that we want to be a part of His plan.  But we don't move in His direction because we want to do all of those things on our terms.  We want to follow God's plan as long as it doesn't shake up our routine too much.  We want to follow God's plan as long as it doesn't cost us too much.  We want to follow God's plan, but only if He'll lay out the whole road map first.

Or maybe just I do that.

Over the last few months I've allowed God to bring me contentment (because, let's face it, He's had it there for me all along) with just knowing what the next turn on that road map is.  Even if I can't see anything beyond that turn.  He's shown me time and again that simply trusting Him and obeying Him is the greatest source of routine and order that I can have in my life.  Because it's His plan, not mine.  He's shown me that His change, although uncomfortable and somewhat intimidating at times is nothing to be afraid of.  The true place of fear should come from NOT following the path He has for me.  He's shown me that the reward for stepping into change as He directs is so much greater than fear trying to hold me back.  He's reminded me that Jeremiah 29:11 isn't just for encouraging others, but for me as well!

Falling From My Throne

Have you ever taken a look at someone else’s mistakes or failures and allowed no room for grace? Judged them so harshly that you put yourself above them, or at least above what they’ve done? Or maybe I’m the only one who’s done that...or at least will admit it.

Here’s the thing, I’ve always worked so hard to stay out of the judgement seat because there have been plenty of times in my life that I could have been judged harshly. But every once in a while, I climb up there like it’s a throne. This week, God sent me tumbling down off of that throne of judgement.

A few years ago, through someone’s idle gossip, I was made aware of someone’s very public shortcomings. I didn’t know the person, just of them. But I made a decision about that person that has stuck. It has stuck to the point that when chances have come about that I could get to know this person for myself, I’ve completely avoided it...in judgement of what I’ve heard. Until this week.

This week, circumstances put me in a position that not only allowed me the opportunity to get to know this person, but forced me to. Shortly into our first conversation, God let me see that the tumble from that throne I’d placed myself on wasn’t going to be pretty. The more I talked to this person, the more I found we had in common. The more we talked, the more I saw what a genuinely good person this was. The more we talked, the more God allowed me to remember the times that I’ve fallen horribly short and have been extended abundant grace. The more we talked, the more I realized the lack of grace I had not only with this person, but with others. The more we talked, the more I recalled the amount of grace I’ve been given by my Father.

I’m not gonna lie...that was a painful fall from that throne of judgement. But God’s grace was there waiting to somewhat cushion the fall. I’ve learned this week that God’s correction isn’t fun...or easy...or pain free. Well, I’ve already know that part. But this week, for the first time, I found myself almost immediately grateful for the chance to grow...for the chance to change. And the chance for a new friendship...without judgement.

Remember

Communion has been part of my life for as long as I can remember.  First Sunday of every month, communion is served.  It's always a special time.  An honoring time.  A remembering time.  But for the first time, on the first Sunday of this month, there was something new.

We always remember the broken body of Jesus.  We always remember his spilled blood.  And we always remember the symbol of our sin nailed to the cross.  Just that is overwhelming, humbling.  But this time, God spoke something else to my heart.

When Jesus went to that cross that day over 2,000 years ago, it wasn't just my sin nailed there that day.  The hurts that I would face, the disappointments in my life, my failures, my struggles, my lost dreams...they were all nailed there that day, too.  Every single hurdle, obstacle, brick wall and closed door went to that cross with my sin.  Jesus didn't only carry the weight of my sin, he carried the weight of my life.  And yours.

Jesus didn't only pay the price for my sin, he paid the price so that I could walk in victory, in freedom.  He suffered not just so you and I could spend eternity in heaven, but so that we could live a life full of victory, freedom and success in life.  We aren't just free from sin, we're free from the bondage of addiction, failure, discouragement, insecurity.  Those things were all nailed to the cross.

Communion has been part of my life for as long as I can remember.  But now I won't just remember my sin nailed to the cross, I'll remember the weight of all of the things I have carried or will carry nailed there as well.  And leave it there.

Faith Made Real

Three years ago our family experienced what was (and honestly still is) our greatest heart break.  A little way through my second trimester of pregnancy, we lost our little girl.  It was a Tuesday.  To say that the days following were difficult is beyond an understatement.  So many questions.  So much pain.  So lost.  So confused.  So much unexplainable peace.  So much comfort for my shattered heart.  So much that needed healing.

As dark as that Tuesday was, God was ever present and I knew it.  As painful as that Tuesday was, I knew that, if I would just let Him, God wanted to heal my pain.  As difficult as this step in my journey was, I knew that God had a plan.

That was a Tuesday.  The following Sunday, as weak and exhausted as I was, there was something in me that just had to get to a worship service that was happening that evening at our church.  A few songs in, Healer began.  That night, standing there singing this very new-to-me song, I began to feel healing.  I began to feel God at work within me.  I knew that this would not be a short or easy process, but I sang that song believing that the words were for me.  That song became my prayer.  It became my resolve.  When the darkness would start to creep back in, I claimed the words of that song, believing in faith that my healing would come.

Fast forward three years.  I don't know when it happened.  I can't point to a specific day, time, event.  But standing in church just short of three years from the loss of our baby girl, we sang this song again.  As I stood and sang this song, I realized something.  That song has gone from being my prayer, to being my testimony.  That song has gone from being what I believed would happen, to what has happened.  In shaken faith, I sang that song three years ago, but today in firm faith I sing that song.  Today in firm faith, I can say He is (as in, has completed the healing) my Healer.

Sometimes our healing is a slow, long, painful process.  Sometimes our faith that healing can even happen is only the size of a mustard seed.  But thankfully that mustard seed is all it takes.  That mustard seed prayer of faith (I believe you are {going to be} my Healer), prayed over and over and over again, slowly grows.  And without even realizing it sometimes, the prayer of faith becomes a testimony.  Your faith is made real.

Night Light

I have a really hard time seeing in the dark.  It's ridiculous.  Even with the light that normally illuminates the night, I can't see anything.  We have a standing rule (okay, I have a standing rule): a bedside light or the TV has to stay on until I'm in bed.  If not, it's almost a guarantee that I'll end up with a bedtime injury of some kind.  It sometimes makes driving difficult.  The time that it is actually the worst is walking down my front walk or driveway at night.

We have lights on the side of the house, by the driveway.  And on the front porch.  But they don't illuminate very far.  On the rare occasion that I have to go to the mailbox or walk a trashcan to the curb after dark, I usually take a flashlight.  Because my eyes just don't adjust and I can't see my feet, much less the random deer, tree or anything else that's in my path.  When I forget the flashlight, the darkness seems to just surround me, consume me, almost suffocate me.  The farther I walk from the light, the darker it gets.  Step by step, the darkness increases.  I literally count the steps until I reach the curb or end of the walk.  Because then I can turn around.  As soon as I turn around I can see the light.  When I'm facing the light, I can see enough to know pretty well what's around me.  My path gets brighter the closer I get.  And once I get to the light, I can see everything.  Clearly.

I think our spiritual lives are a lot like this.  We know that staying in the Light is what's best.  We know that as long as we walk in the Light, we'll clearly see what lies in our path.  We know that the Light will show us any hazards that are in our way.  Yet we still sometimes walk towards the darkness.  Sometimes it's just a step or two and then we step back in the Light.  But other times we continue to walk deeper and deeper into the darkness, until darkness is all we see.  Until the light is no where in front of us.  Until we're spiritually tripping, falling, suffocating in the darkness around us.

There's good news in that overwhelming, suffocating darkness.  If you turn around, you'll see the Light.  It may just be a small glimmer at first.  But the closer you get to it, the brighter it gets.  The more your path is illuminated.  The more those obstacles, hurdles and hazards are visible.  This time you bypass them because walking (or running) towards the light allows you to see the danger.

The brighter we allow the Light to be in our lives, the more clearly we see everything.  As soon as we begin to step into the shadows, turning our back away from the light, our path, our purpose, our mission becomes less clear.  Stay in the Light.  Stay on the bright path.  Then you can leave the night light at home.

Battle for the Mind

A friend of mine recently started a book club and the first book was Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind.  Because of different things going on, I wasn't able to participate in the book club, but I was able to do a two week devotional based on the book.  It was a great reminder of the power that our thoughts hold.

Since completing that devotional I've tried to be very conscious of what's on my mind, where my thoughts lead me.  And I've become keenly aware at how easy it is for my mind to start with one small thought and end up totally lost on a trail that is then effecting my emotions.  I've found myself thinking just one small thought that, on it's own, is nothing.  But where that thought leads is negative.  One thought will bring up a hurt that was long ago forgiven, but now stirs emotion.  One thought will create a string of thoughts that lead to emotion about something that hasn't even happened...but in my mind I allowed to happen.

I'll be honest.  At first I was a little taken aback at the realization of what my mind does to me.  I honestly thought I had a pretty good "thought" life.  What I've learned through this short journey is that my mind really is a battlefield.

The enemy knows that if a single thought is planted and allowed to grow, he can completely sideline my day.  I've found myself a lot over these last weeks spending more time in prayer than usual.  Not over things going on, but just on things in my head.  I've found myself literally exercising II Corinthians 10: 5 (I destroy every claim and every reason that keeps people from knowing God.  I keep every thought under control in order to make it obey Christ.) on almost a daily basis.

I've also found great power in knowing that those thoughts are not His thoughts about me, about my life, about my family, about my future.  I've found great power in knowing that those thoughts, with just a prayer, are in complete submission to Him.  I've found that my mind is the biggest battle that I will ever fight against.  And I've found that I will continue to win the battle, in Him.

Courageous

I recently wrote about things that I want my daughter to hear, believe, know as she grows up in this world that so often misguides our girls.  (If you missed that you can read it here.)  Since writing that, I've spent a lot of time really thinking about things I want my son to know, to really take hold of.

There's a completely different set of pressures on boys today than on girls.  And so many "famous" influences delivering messages so contrary to the core values that I pray we've taught our son.  As a mom, my heart can grow so overwhelmed thinking of all that he faces.  And I think of the choices already facing some of the teenagers and young men he looks up to so much.  As I come to accept the lack of control I have over a lot of outside influences, these are the things that I hope my sweet boy keeps close to his heart.

Keep God first.  Always.  Learn how to pray.  Do it often.  About everything and anything that is important to you.  God cares about it all.  Don't just read your Bible, STUDY your Bible.  Make it an unbreakable habit.  Speak with respect to everyone.  Learn compassion.  You don't have to be THE best, as long as you do YOUR best.  Choose your friends wisely.  They will make or break you in life.  Don't compare yourself to anyone else.  Don't try to be like anyone else.  God made YOU to be YOU, not a cheap knockoff of someone else.  When you're ready to start dating (although I'm in complete denial that this will ever happen), choose a girl who respects herself.  And respects her parents.  Choose a girl who makes God as much or more of a priority in her life as you do.  Pray together.  Not just over a meal.  Treat her with respect and honor.  Accept and believe that God has an amazing plan for your life.  It's a great plan.  It's the best plan.  Follow it, pursue it, chase it passionately.  You will do great things in life.  No matter how much or how little money you have, be generous.  Lead well.  Be courageous in your faith.  It takes more courage to do what's right than to follow the crowd.  BE courageous.

The greatest blessing, the greatest challenge and greatest responsibility I have in this life is being a mom.  Not gonna lie that it's a little intimidating and overwhelming sometimes.  But as I've learned raising my sweet boy (and little miss), especially this last year, he was God's first.  God has great plans for him.  If I work to instill these things in him and lead by example, God will take care of the rest.  And he will be courageous.

Crazy Beautiful

Sometimes I am completely intimidated by raising a girl in this crazy world.  So many negative influences out there.  So many totally wrong messages about just about everything.  Sometimes I just want to hide her from the world.  But I can't.

I think about insecurities that I developed as a pre-teen and teenager.  Some that stuck with me well into adulthood, others that didn't last as long.  I think about the influences that media and celebrity had on me.  And then I realize how much stronger these influences are today.  All of these things scare me a little.  All of these things make me realize how strong my influence has to be in my daughter's life.  All of these things make me realize how valuable Godly influences will be in her life as she grows older.  All of this makes me think of things I'd love to tell the teenage girls in my life now.  They may be the influences in my daughter's as she grows.

Girls!  You are wonderfully made, completely unique and created by a God who has plans for your life bigger than you can possibly understand.  Your life has infinite value.  Anyone who tells you different is lying.  Learn to read your Bible.  Learn to pray.  The more you learn these things, the more you'll understand how much God values you.  Don't try to be like other people.  Be someone that others want to be like.  Avoid the drama.  Respect your body.  Find people that you can talk to about anything.  They're out there.  Always, always, ALWAYS believe in yourself.  Don't look at a magazine to find out how to be beautiful.  You already are.  Just like you are.  You're not just beautiful, you're crazy beautiful.

As my sweet girl grows up, as she faces this world and all it will throw at her, these are the things I want her to believe.  To live.  To teach.  These are the things that I want her to learn from me and the other people in her life.  And as God gives me opportunity, these are the things I hope I can teach a few other girls along the way.

Running on Empty

I sat down today to write and just felt empty.  No words.  No thoughts.  Not even a sensible sentence to string together.  I was a little frustrated at first.  And I almost walked away from this lovely computer.  And then my sweet girl started playing with the iPod.  The first words played spoke to the emptiness of my mind: "When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll.  Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well.  It is well with my soul."

My "empty" today doesn't come from anything wrong.  Just the feeling of an empty tank.  Just that feeling of too much going on and not enough of me to go around for all of it.  Just that feeling of empty.  There's nothing left in my tank and I need to refuel.  Yet there's a talkative pre-schooler and two soon-to-be fifth graders keeping me running on just the fumes.

Just as I'm tempted to shut down for the night, certain that on empty, there's nothing I can say, I hear words that speak peace to the emptiness.  I hear words that remind me that when I'm running on empty, his peace is right where I am.  I hear words that remind me just how well it is with my soul.

God doesn't promise that my tank won't hit empty.  And he certainly never promised to bail me out when the "empty" is completely of my own doing.  But He does offer His peace.  In the good times and the bad.  In the happy and the sad.  In the full times and the empty.  He offers me rest and a chance to refuel.

Tonight I'm quietly reminded by a simple song on a iPod that while I'm on empty, truly it is well with my soul.

The Refinery

Do you ever feel like you're in a season where you're spending a lot of time being refined? Like every time you turn around you're smack in the middle of the refinery? I've been there a lot lately.  I have a few rough edges, two to be exact, that God is really working to smooth out right now.  These are areas that have probably needed refinement for most of my adult life, but that I honestly haven't completely noticed until recently.

This refinement process is not a fun one.  Seeing and acknowledging these shortcomings is humbling to say the least.  It's a process I'd avoid all together if I could.  And I guess I could, but what I'm learning right now is that God has a plan for the refinement.  God has a plan for me that can't move forward without the refinement.  Avoiding the refinement not only damages me, but takes me out of the place where God can effectively use me in His plan.

But through this discomfort (and sometimes pain) beautiful, smooth refining happens.  A refining that makes me stronger.  A refining that teaches me.  A refining grows me.  A refining that allows me to not only move forward in God's plan for me, but allows me to see more of His plan.

Lord, help me to not be discouraged as I walk through this refinery.  Help me to see what you're trying to teach me.  Help me to grow in this.  Help me to continue to seek to live in your plan...even when that plan is uncomfortable for me.

It's About Time

I'm learning a lot about parenting lately.  And I tend to learn the most from my kids.  Sometimes I think I'm the one being "parented".  I've been blessed to have my schedule change recently to allow more time with my family.  Little did I know that on day one of this new schedule, my daughter would have a lesson for me.

We were set to have a girly morning.  My son was at baseball camp with a friend, so breakfast at a girly restaurant, a hair appointment and a nail appointment were on my sweet girl's agenda.  We did all of those things and had a great morning.  After getting lunch and heading back towards home, I asked what her favorite part of the day was.  Her answer was beautifully unexpected. "Spending time with you, mommy." My heart melted instantly.  I got more than just a little teary eyed.  It wasn't what we did, it was just that we did.  The value came just from the time spent.  Sure, she enjoyed the things we did, but that's not how she measured the value.

I think our relationship with God is often like this.  We get busy.  We get distracted.  We lose focus.  And then we re-prioritize.  And with that, we go to church 5 times in one week, pray for everyone we've ever met, volunteer to help in the church nursery...all in an attempt for our actions to show God that we plan on getting it right this time.  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with any of those things.  But so often we get wrapped up in what we do, that we forget that all God wants is our time.  He just wants our sincere prayers for the things weighing heaviest on our hearts...not empty words in lengthy, King James version prayers.  He wants our fully engaged, heartfelt worship in one church service...over the going-through-the-motions, attend-everything-but-get-nothing-out-of-it attendance.  He wants us to know who we are in Him and serve others through that...not tolerate the dirty diapers because it's what a "good" Christian does.

God doesn't want (or need) our grand gestures.  He just wants us to spend time with Him.  Genuine, quality time.  He doesn't measure it so much by the what, but by the time, by the heart.  Just like my daughter melted my heart with her value of our time together, we touch the Father's heart when we spend time with him.

Plans? What Plans?

Have you ever thought you had it all figured out? Ok, may not all, but at least a next step? Or a plan? Maybe just a direction that you're walking confidently in.  You've even spent time in prayer and felt this path, as few steps as may have been taken, was the path God had you on.  Then, seemingly straight out of left field, everything changes.  One conversation, one phone call, one meeting and things you thought were certain suddenly aren't.  A path you you were heading down is now a dead end.  An open door is suddenly slammed shut.  And what seemed certain now is nothing but questions.

Where do you go next? What do you do? Just considering the possibilities that could lie ahead is exciting, terrifying and all together overwhelming.  And how do I know if what I'm hearing is God or me? How do I know if I've got it "right" this time.

If you're anything like me, the lack of answers to all of the questions can seem almost paralyzing.  I'm not one who likes changes.  I like a plan.  I like to follow a plan.  No surprises, nothing unexpected.  Just stick to the plan.  Here's the problem if you're like me. It's easy to miss the bigger  plan obsessing over the today-and-tomorrow plan.  Sometimes, because my Father knows me so well, a dead end or a sharp, unexpected turn is what it takes to get me to see the bigger picture...the Master's plan.

I don't find answers to all of the questions, but I'm reminded, "I know the plans I (God) have for you..."  And I have to remember that His plan is not only often different than mine, but much better than mine.

Who Holds the Power?

My 4 year old was rearranging fridge art the other day and was rather fascinated by the magnets.  After much moving around, she wanted to show me the finished product.  She excitedly exclaimed, "Mommy, look at how those papers are holding the magnets up!"  At first what she said didn't really register.  But then I realized what she said and started explaining that it's not the paper holding the magnets up, but the magnets holding the paper.

I thought it was kind of funny how she thought the paper held the power instead of the magnet.  Yet, her perception of where the power lay is so similar to how we live our lives.  We walk through life all to often unaware of or unwilling to use the power that God has placed in each one of us.  Or worse yet, giving that power someone or something else.

God has placed in us the power to believe in ourselves, believe in who he has called us to be.  Yet our beliefs about who we are become formed by others opinions of us and who they tell us we are.  God has placed in us the power to overcome our past, our mistakes.  Yet we live in bondage to those memories and never fully more forward in life.  God has placed in us the power to live above the addictions and vices in this world, yet we give the power to those things to control our lives.

The list could go on and on of all of the ways we misplace power in our lives.  But the bottom line is, God has placed His power in each of us to overcome anything placed in our paths.  And even when we "give" the power to the "paper" the magnet is still what holds the power.  Even when you or I give power to someone or something else in our lives, through God that power still lies within us.

Vulture Syndrome

Maybe it's because I'm in the car a lot, but I tend to see a lot of things that turn into blogs while I'm driving. Case in point, the vulture.

As we were leaving town the other day, there was a vulture feasting on some form of hill country road kill. This road kill, however, was halfway in the road, halfway in the shoulder.  And the vulture was most interested in the in-the-road part.  As we drove closer and closer, the vulture refused to give up his morning meal.  Because of the road, I wasn't left with many options.  It was move or be hit for Mr. Vulture.  And given my strong dislike of birds, I probably wouldn't have shed a tear over having one less bird in this world.  Seconds before my car reached his dining spot, he jumped out of the way.  I glanced in my rear view mirror to see him right back in that spot in the middle of the road feasting again.  As I stopped at a red light I looked up again just in time to see that vulture become road kill himself as the truck behind me could not avoid a collision.

As I passed that spot again coming home, I realized something.  At one time or another, we've all been that vulture.  Of course, not literally feasting on road kill and hit by a truck.  But engaged in a self-destructive behavior or lifestyle that is leading us down a path where pain, heartache or maybe even death are the certain outcome.  We've all had something in our life...a relationship, a substance, a habit, an insecurity, an attitude, the list could go on...that so consumes us that we are completely unaware of the danger we're in.  We see the first collision or two coming and dash out of the way just in time.  But as we become more consumed by that "something" we eventually grow blind to looming consequences around us.

And then...BANG...what seems like out of no where, that truck hits us.  That seemingly unexpected event that suddenly jolts us back into reality.  That (hopefully) allows us to see the danger that we've placed ourselves in, the destructiveness of our path.  For some of  us, it takes a few of those "BANGs" to really get our attention.

We've feasted on something that can't be good for us and now the broken pieces are all we have to show for it.  But, unlike Mr. Vulture, there's good news for us.  Most of the time that first "BANG" isn't the end of the road for us.  If we'll let God use it, it can be a beginning.

We serve a God who, because He loves us, allows us to suffer the consequences of our poor choices.  He'll send warnings along the way to try to help us off the path, but won't pick us up and move us if we're unwilling to listen.  BUT, He's right there when we're ready.  He's right there when all we have are the broken pieces and He can put them back together in the most beautiful way.  He wants to take our vulture syndrome and road kill experience and turn it into a beautiful masterpiece.

"That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." Romans 8:28

No Filter

We have this fabulous new coffee maker.  I love it.  It makes great coffee...when it has a filter.  I discovered first hand yesterday morning what happens when there is no filter.  The grounds clog the filter basket and the ensuing flood of coffee, water and grounds is enough to put even the perkiest morning person in a foul mood.  I, by the way, am not a perky morning person...especially when my morning coffee is spread all over my kitchen counter and floor!

After cleaning the mess, finishing the tasks of the morning (and my husband bringing me Starbucks coffee to make up for the last of our coffee that I covered the kitchen with), we headed out the door.  As I was driving to work, God did what he so often does for me.  He took an everyday thing, a frustrating thing and decided to teach me a little something.

You know those people that have no filter? You know the filter I'm talking about.  The one between the brain and the mouth? We all know at least one of them, probably more.  People who say anything with out thought.  People who speak without thinking and without regard for the consequence of their words.  If we're being honest, at times we all lack a filter.  At times our emotions or circumstances completely bypass our filter.

As I replayed the image of the overflowing mess of coffee, water and grounds spreading across my kitchen, I couldn't help be "see" the effects of no-filter-words.  When someone speaks without a filter, the words overflow.  The mess covers everything.  But, like the mess in my kitchen, the "clean up" isn't easy or quick.  Coffee, like the words, gets on, under, around and through everything (or everyone) in its path.  Just when you think the clean up is done, you find some place else that needs some scrubbing.  Even on the inside of the coffee maker.  Even on the inside of the person.

Our words have long lasting effects.  Our filter-free speaking doesn't "clean up" with a few paper towels and some 409.  Even after the apology (if there is one) that cleans up the outside, the words often sink into the inside, where the "clean up" takes longer.  Where the hurt can linger.

This morning when I made our coffee, I made sure there was a filter.  Today as I speak, I pray that my filter stays in place.  That my words don't damage.  That my words taste as sweet leaving my mouth as my perfectly prepared cup of coffee.

Quacking Sheep

As we were driving to school the other day, my 4 year old was playing with a stuffed sheep in the back seat.  The quiet that her preoccupation brought to the car had me off in another world somewhere until I heard it.  The quacking.  Her sheep was quacking.  Well, not so much her sheep, but her quacking for the sheep.

I almost corrected her.  I almost told her that sheep don't quack.  I almost told her that only ducks quack...or that sheep only "baa".  But I didn't.

I actually silently asked myself why a sheep can't quack.  Now, before you think I've completely lost it, I don't really think a sheep can quack.  But I do think that you and I can be different, more, that what we've always been told or more than what we've always thought we could be.

Maybe you've spent your life hearing that you're worthless.  That you'll never amount to anything.  That you're not good enough.  You're undeserving.  That's the "sheep" you've been your whole life.  You've accepted it, believed it.  Started to say those things about yourself.  Guess what? You can quack!  You are not who people have told you that you are.  You don't have to be that sheep anymore.

Maybe you've spent your life surrounded by people who love you and believe in you and had a great plan for who they wanted you to be and what they wanted you to accomplish.  But as you live that life you realize that this isn't the "sheep" that you want to be. The "sheep" you were meant to be.  Guess what? You can quack!  You don't have to be who everyone else planned for you to be.  You don't have to be that sheep anymore.

Maybe you've gone through life happy, but not passionate about where you are.  Nothing is "wrong" but something is missing.  Maybe you've felt a pull away from the life that you've known, taking steps into the unknown, but you've always been a play it safe person.  Guess what? You can quack!  You can can step out of that comfort zone, you can make the changes.  You don't have to be that sheep anymore.

We hear all the time that we are made new in Christ.  Not repaired, not fixed, not a really good restoration. NEW!  That means that you don't have to be who you were.  You don't have to be what others have said you are.  You can be a quacking sheep.

Arrested

Earlier this week I heard a story of a friend who, because of a huge mistake, was arrested.  She had, years ago, received a traffic ticket, taken the appropriate steps to resolve the issue and went on with life.  Through a quirky incident recently, she found out that she had a warrant issued for her arrest for this ticket that she had taken care of years ago.  And was told if she didn't turn herself in, she'd be arrested.  After much consideration, she turned herself in prepared to pay fines for a second time.

Upon turning herself in, she was actually arrested and went through the entire process of being booked and processed into jail.  She was then immediately released to pay the fine and began the process of trying to clear up the mess and get her money back.

It's a situation that you or I would never want to find ourselves in.  Yet in a lot of ways, we live that way.  We make a mistake, pay the consequence, work to make it right, seek God's forgiveness and move on.  Then out of nowhere, some hiccup, some glitch, some reminder comes along and we're arrested by a past mistake.  We're taken prisoner by a long ago forgiven transgression.  We walk through a process of guilt and self-defeat, when the fine, the penalty was paid long ago.

Guilt, self-doubt, the struggle to forgive ourselves...they are all things that the enemy uses (and uses well) to derail us.  To put us in our own personal jail cell.  My friend couldn't help but go through that painful process of arrest for a fine that she already paid.  But the price Christ paid on the cross frees us from the arrest, the confinement of past mistakes.  Once we've sought forgiveness and faced what consequences may come from a mistake, we have the freedom to live without arrest.  We have the freedom to simply say this fine has been paid and never be arrested for a past mistake again.

She'll Leave You With a Smile

We have a house keeper that comes every couple of weeks to do the "big" cleaning around the house.  Besides the fact that our schedules make it near impossible for me to keep up with much more than laundry and meals, I just plain don't like to clean.  And that's why I look forward to every other Wednesday when I know our housekeeper is coming.

We're usually not home when she comes.  It's planned that way so that we're not in her way while she's doing her thing.  But last week when she came, I was home.  And I noticed something.  The whole time she was cleaning, scrubbing, dusting, sweeping, mopping...whatever it was, she was smiling.  When I'm cleaning, I'm never smiling.  Seriously, never.  And that got me to thinking.

Does our housekeeper love cleaning that much? Or has she just maybe found a way to see the positive in the tasks I dislike so much.  Do I smile when I'm doing the daily tasks that aren't my favorites? Or is it written all over my face that I'm not enjoying what I'm doing? If I'm being completely honest, am I even smiling when I'm doing things that I do like?

I don't think my housekeeper really loves cleaning my house (or maybe she does), but I think she has discovered a simple truth that I too often forget.  Outlook and attitude make all the difference.  If I would just put on a smile as I begin my daily tasks, how much more would I enjoy my day? How much more would the people around me enjoy me being part of their day? How much more could God shine through me?

Let's face it, I'll probably never enjoy cleaning...or some of the daily tasks that I have each day.  But if my outlook changed...if I just smiled through it all...I'm sure I'd enjoy my days more!

Fender Bender

Have you ever had one of those really minor fender benders? So minor that "fender bender" exaggerates the description? No measurable damage, no injuries, no police report or insurance to file.  Just enough of a bump to grab your attention...and make you pay a little more attention while you're on the road? We had one of those last week in the car line dropping my son off for school.  The mom behind us was looking for something, let her foot slip off the brake and rolled into the back of us.  She was embarrassed more than anything else, and I felt really bad for her because, let's be honest, that's totally something I would do.

After we got out of the car line and could stop to look at our cars, there was no damage at all.  But for the rest of the day I was much more aware of everything around me on the road.  That little bump didn't do any damage, just gave us a bit of a jolt, and made me more aware.  As the day wore on and I thought about that little fender bender, I thought about the times in life where I've had life "fender benders".

You know the ones I mean.  The health scare that turns out to be nothing but makes you take care of yourself better.  The friends who walks through something unthinkable with a child that makes you appreciate yours a little more.  The coworker who loses a spouse and makes you value yours a little more.  The neighbor who loses their home and makes you more thankful for the shelter you have.  There are lots of them.  I'm sure you've thought of a few yourself.  They aren't things that rock your world or alter your life, but they get your attention.

It's so easy in life to take our focus off of what's right in front of us, what's really important.  Then our foot just slips off the brake and hopefully all that happens is a fender bender.  Or maybe we just stay focused on the important, stay aware of all the blessing around us and don't need the fender bender to get our attention.

(Un)Popular

Lately my son would tell you that I'm the strictest mom on the planet.  There are some shows, books, movies, TV shows, games that he's been exposed to through friends that he really wants to dive into.  But for these different things, for different reasons we've said no.  Needless to say I've been very unpopular.

As I've spent a good bit of time these last few weeks feeling very unpopular, I've also felt very much peace about the decisions we've made for Payne.  I've told Payne many times in these last weeks that I answer to God first as his mom.  And that's more important to me than being popular with him.  The older my kids get, the less popular I become, it seems.  The parenting decisions get harder, the kids reactions get stronger.   And just when I start to feel this grand pressure that comes with parenting, God does what He loves to do to me.  He gently speaks.

He reminds me of the times that He's told me no.  He reminds me of the times that He pointed me in a different direction than I really wanted to go.  He reminds me of the times that His parenting of this stubborn child left Him as less than popular in my eyes for a time.  And reminds me that His best for me is not always what I think I want at the time.  And reminds me that He never waivers from His best...because He knows best.

In that I find confidence in parenting.  And empathy for my son.

K(no)w Limits

A week ago I had surgery.  As we left, the nurse gave my husband a list of things I can't do for the first few days, the first week or two and then for six weeks total.  It's not a long list, but it's a limiting list.  Things like "don't lift more than 10 pounds."  Did you know it takes more than 10 pounds of force to pull open my freezer? I didn't either...until this week.  This week I've found myself very frustrated with my physical limitations.  But the last day or two I've noticed something.  I can push the limits a little more.  I can do just a little bit more.  Knowing my limits has been a good thing, but knowing I can push them daily is even better.

What are your limits? Or limitations? Not physically, but in your career, your family, your calling, your ministry? Are you content to see the limits you or someone else have put on you and not push further? Or do you see the limits as challenges? Do they frustrate you to the point that you push yourself to overcome the limitation?

We so often place ourselves (or allow others to place us) inside a box.  And we get comfortable in the box.  And we'll grow some in the box.  But at some point we have to decide to either stop growing and stay in the box or continue growing and push those walls, those limits out of the way.

One thing I've learned this week is that limitations are temporary.  They are often necessary, but they are only temporary.  Limitations aren't the end.  When they're reached they become the places of growth.  What are your limitations? What do you need to do to grow past them?

With My Eyes

"I admit I once lived by rumors of you; now I have it all first-hand - from my own eyes and ears." Job 42:5


You see things about him on TV.  You hear of him on the radio.  You read about him in magazines and on the internet.  But all you know are rumors of him.  You've never met him face to face.  You've never experienced life with him.  You've never had an eye witness account of his life or what your life would be like with him.

You may thing I'm talking about Hollywood's hottest star or the newest act on the music scene.  But I'm not.  I'm talking about the most Holy, almighty God. Creator of heaven & earth.  But all you know of Him is what you hear from others.  What you take away in the one hour a week you sit in church.  What you get out of the obligatory "bless this meal" prayer.  But you don't have first hand knowledge of Him.  You've heard stories of what He's done for others, but never had your own landmark experience.

Job was a godly man - the godliest man of his time.  And God allowed satan to test him.  To try him.  To strip everything and everyone he held dear away from him.  And Job passed the test with flying colors.  But here's what I find interesting in that whole story.  Job is referred to as the most influential man in the east in Job 1.  God said Job hated evil.  He was a godly man.  But, by Job's own admission, he only knew rumors of God before he faced his trials.

How many of us only know rumors of God? How many of us have settled for the bare minimum of knowing rumors without experiencing God first hand? Job, in all of his godliness, didn't have a face to face knowledge of God until he experienced God's presence in his heartache.  Until it was down to the nitty gritty of life, Job had only known God through other people's experiences.

But once Job knew God for himself, once Job experienced God for himself, his relationship and perspective greatly changed.  See, once you experience God for yourself, you're never the same.  And you don't even have to have a "Job" experience to get there.  God waits everyday in the everything to share himself with you.  You don't have to lose everything to find Him.  You don't have to experience loss to find Him.  You just have to look in the everyday.

It's not enough to be satisfied with rumors of who He is.  It's not enough to be satisfied with second-hand accounts of what He accomplishes.  Dig in!  Learn first-hand!  See with your own eyes, hear with your own ears the love He wishes to lavish upon you.

In the Fog

Fog.  It's my least favorite driving condition.  Pair it with some rain and I'm all but done for.  And earlier this week it's exactly what I had to drive in.  The kind of fog where you can barely see the front of your own car.  I'll be honest.  That kind of driving makes me feel claustrophobic.  I literally have to fight off panic and the urge to just pull over and stop driving until the fog clears.  But as is normal for our mornings, I was running a little behind and didn't have time to pull over and wait it out.

As I struggled to find an indicator of where the next closest car was to me on the highway, I prayed for God to just let me see the lights of the nearest car.  Just some indication of how near I was to the closest car.  After what felt like an eternity (but was probably just a few seconds) I finally saw that faint glow of tail lights ahead of me.  And the panic subsided.

And then God spoke to me.  My drive reminded me of those times in life when I feel like I'm wandering in a fog.  I know I'm on a path to somewhere, but can't see anything around me.  I don't know which way to go, I can't see the path.  And I pray desperately for a light.  Just a glimmer of light to move towards so that I know where to go.  Just like I struggled to see the light while driving in the fog, I've struggled in the fog to see a glimmer of light to know where God is.  I search for what seems like an eternity and then finally it happens.  I see just a glimpse of that guiding light to let me know which way to go, to let me know how close I am to the next step.  And the panic subsides.  The fear of the unknown is gone because the Light, however faint it may be, is showing me the way.  As long as I stay focused on the light, there's peace.  Just that glimmer of light is all I need to get through the fog and to the clear blue skies where the road is more clearly seen.

What if it was me?

Over the last week there's been a lot of conversation surrounding the death of Whitney Houston.  Sadness, memories, admiration, speculation, criticism.  Whitney Houston lived a very public life, with successes and failures well documented and publicized.  Some would say that her life in her last years had been a train wreck.  I think her life in the last years was human.

As I've watched people express criticisms of her life over the last week through social media outlets, I've had one consistent thought.  What if my life were lived under the scrutiny that Whitney's life had been? What if every failure of my life were not only known by my family or close friends but the world? What if every time I fell short, it made headlines? Some would say that it was a part of the life that comes with celebrity.  But at what point does it become acceptable to publicly throw stones? Yes, she made mistakes in her life.  Some with greater consequence than others.  But so have I.  And so have you.

I've reflected on some of my shortcomings in life this last week.  Some of my "bigger" ones, especially.  What if, in those times when I was at my lowest, a national spotlight had been placed on me? What if my private failure became a public frenzy? How would I have handled things? What if, every time I turned around, there were constant reminders of my past, my failures? What if some of those closest to me enabled my downward spiral rather than lifting me up?

Those thoughts and questions have made me see the life and death of Whitney Houston much differently.  I've felt such a great amount of compassion for her hurting heart and life cut short.  I've been grateful, that when I've been in a "train wreck" in my life, I've been surrounded by people who encourage me and help me get back on the right track.  I've been grateful that I haven't had a spotlight.  I've been grateful that there aren't videos from cell phone cameras & photos from paparazzi to constantly remind me of past I've worked to overcome.  I've been reminded that there but by the grace of God go I.  I've been keenly aware that I'm in no position to cast a stone just because my shortcomings haven't garnered media attention.

I'm grateful that I as I grow older God is teaching and instilling compassion in me and the ability to see others with just a glimpse of how He does.  And I pray that, some day down the road, when I (or you) fall short again...because we all will...that compassion and not stones are what I find waiting.